This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2017
As year-end countdowns satisfy our need for short-term nostalgia while simultaneously padding the bank accounts of internet click baiters, The One Board introduces the year-start countup. 2017 will undoubtedly be a year of intrigue, excitement and history. For the sake of continuity, here are 17 reasons why. For the sake of reality, all 17 involve bowling.
- Quebec City’s François Lavoie is named 2016 PBA Rookie of the Year, raising tensions along the Ontario/Quebec border, with residents of the former lamenting the lack of acknowledgment for Guelph native and ROY runner-up, Graham Fach. We don’t know the outcome of the skirmish, but we can be certain it will be decided by some kind of rolloff.
- Anthony Simonsen qualifies for two of the three major telecasts in February, winning one of them. He will then be declared the runaway lock to win PBA Player of the Year despite 10 months remaining in the season. Eventually, the talk will turn to one or two players who have quietly put together strong seasons and “Just need a major and another title at the World Series” to claim POY honors.
- Randy Pedersen becomes one of Yelp’s top users when he gives bad reviews to every restaurant that serves him steak and potatoes when all he asked for was a burger and fries.
- Economists reverse their long-held stance on supply and demand, releasing new information that in order to increase demand, one must simply increase supply.
- An immeasurable number of people are referred to as great guys.
- Pete Weber and Walter Ray Williams, Jr., both tired of the hype around who earns overall PBA title 100 first, pair up for the Roth/Holman Doubles event. They lose in the championship match.
- Major League Baseball begins defining a sell out as, “Each team fields a complete starting lineup of nine players.” Every game is a sellout.
- League season ends in April and bowlers all over the world experience serious withdrawals. Some cope by entering summer leagues, others cope by spending time with their loved ones and the rest cope by throwing their equipment in the nearest body of water and vowing never to bowl again.
- In August, pro-shop owners are inundated with customers who, a few months prior, chucked all their equipment in the river and vowed never to bowl again. Pro-shop owners are grateful for the opportunity.
- Lane conditions become completely fair and unchanging on both sides of the lane for all types of players, who become dissatisfied with no longer having to adjust from shot to shot.
- The PBA50’s Matrix of Fairness will be honed to a level so fair, there will be a 24-way tie for first place at an event in late summer.
- At some point during the year, you will carry a terrible shot for a strike. Bask in it as if you deserve it, because your bad breaks will assuredly outnumber the good ones.
- A new bowling ball will be released that is clean through the heads, picks up in the midlane and hits hard in the backend.
- Jason Belmonte proclaims about Tom Daugherty, “He can’t beat me in a televised exhibition match,” requiring the two players to have a once-and-for-all battle to determine who can’t beat whom. They tie.
- Enough Europeans win PBA Tour titles that “18 and 36 125ths meters to success” becomes a popular catch phrase.
- Bowling history is made at the U.S. Open when the winner admits to not taking it one shot at a time. “I took it several shots at a time,” he says. “I got so far ahead of myself, I imagined flying home with the trophy. Before I knew it, I really was flying home with the trophy.”
- The 2017 end-of-year countdown will prove 12 of the above 16 items false.
Happy New Year, bowlers and bowling fans.