Month: February 2020

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20 Reasons to Care About 2020

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2020

Welcome to The One Board’s fourth annual year-start countup, freeing us from the incessant year-end recaps and moving into the year ahead with anticipation and zeal. As always, all 20 reasons to be excited for the upcoming year involve bowling.

  1. A coach tries to revolutionize bowling by convincing bowlers only to focus on the outcome, ignoring the process. He is immediately exiled.
  2. Somebody shoots his first 299 in league. Rather than give the guy the one pin he didn’t knock down, the proprietor gives him the 119 he did knock down. He has trouble explaining to his friends why 119 equals 299 and even more trouble explaining to his wife why 119 bowling pins need to go on the mantel. She compromises by allowing the pins to go in the fireplace rather than on it.
  3. After a controversial finish in the PBA Oklahoma Open championship match in which a pinsetter hit (or didn’t hit) a desperately needed 10-pin, the PBA institutes video review—starting the following week—to eliminate all future controversy.
  4. The race to 20 titles between Chris Barnes and Tommy Jones ends anti-climactically when they team up to win the Roth/Holman Doubles Championship on February 29.
  5. To break the tie, the newly introduced video review is used to determine whether Barnes or Jones physically touch the trophy first. The only thing officials can definitively rule is that the call goes against the Detroit Lions.
  6. The race is on to 21.
  7. Live telecasts run over their allotted time every week due to video review. Most reviews deal not with opponents challenging each other on fouls or pinfall, but rather the players challenging fans on the grounds of distractions.
  8. The important thing is to get it right.
  9. For the 62nd consecutive year, an immeasurable number of people are referred to as great guys.
  10. In April, François Lavoie wins his third U.S. Open. Two more U.S. Opens are added—one in June and the other in September to coincide with quarterly tax deadlines—and Lavoie wins both of those too.
  11. Major League Baseball prints huge banners for each team to hang at the entrance to their stadiums: “Welcome, baseball players.”
  12. During PBA League competition, a player challenges the fans, claiming a non-distraction became a distraction when the usually rowdy crowd got silent for a moment. After video review, the player is awarded a strike and the fans are issued vuvuzelas.
  13. In a groundbreaking ruling, bowlers are allowed to remember every title they’ve ever won, even if they were wearing a different logo at the time.
  14. The most popular documentary on Netflix, “Matrix of Fairness,” ends its six-episode run unsatisfactorily, leading to outrage from viewers. The filmmakers couldn’t figure out the Matrix of Fairness and gave up trying. Viewers under 60 are left confused and wanting more. Viewers 60 and over are issued checks for $1,000.
  15. Shannon O’Keefe, not slowing down at all from her amazing 2019 season, wins the first 10 PWBA Tour events. Regardless, going into the 11th event, we start all our sentences with, “If (insert player doing well) can win this one, then the next one, then the last two, we might have a race for Player of the Year.”
  16. Jason Belmonte wins the fourth U.S. Open of the year to finally complete the Super Slam. Completely fulfilled with his career, he retires, which makes his fans sad until he amends his decision to semi-retirement, vowing to continue bowling the majors, which means we’ll still see him 33 times in 2021.
  17. The best Halloween costume of the year goes to Lanny, a third-grader who dresses as a bowling ball. His father, dressed as Jim Callahan, makes Lanny change costumes every five houses.
  18. In November, the PBA rules against the existence of February 29, saying it complicates matters, thereby erasing the 20th title for both Jones and Barnes. We’re instructed to pretend the event never happened.
  19. Barnes and Jones file an appeal, but the officials can’t find the tapes and instead award another U.S. Open title to Lavoie, giving him a record six in his career.
  20. FOX ratings, FloBowling and BowlTV subscriptions reach all-time highs. People are watching bowling. Hours and hours of bowling.

Happy 2020, bowling fans. We wish you happiness, prosperity and more games in the new year.