This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2021
In The One Board’s fifth annual year-start countup, we eschew the trope of the year-end countdown and instead guarantee* 21 bowling-related happenings for the year ahead. Excitement, zeal and optimism are in our near future.
*Based on number of entries
In The One Board’s fifth annual year-start countup, we look into the year ahead with optimism and zeal. As always, all 21 reasons to be excited for the upcoming year involve bowling.
- Bowling confidently returns, albeit with some lingering uncertainty. This is an upgrade from the certain lack of confidence throughout the back nine frames of 2020.
- Bowling centers defy directives from governors and bureaucrats, citing simple semantics. The directives tell bowling alleys to close, but bowling centers are not bowling alleys. If one is too ignorant to know the lexicon, one is likely too ignorant to know whether or not it’s a safe environment.
- After witnessing the success of Ryan Ciminelli immediately following his retirement last year, several more bowlers announce their retirements in an effort to reenergize their careers.
- It doesn’t work. They can’t beat Ciminelli.
- Someone figures out the magic formula for when to post bowling results to the internet. Since posting the results immediately after the event—like every other sport in existence—is considered a spoiler and waiting any longer is considered irrelevant, the inventor of the magic formula is immediately inducted into every possible bowling Hall of Fame.
- The announcement of this genius’ Hall of Fame election is posted at the wrong time, spoiling the irrelevant news.
- The title match of every PBA major has either EJ Tackett or Anthony Simonsen—or both—in it, improving on their three-for-four performance in 2020. They each win at least one.
- In addition to national events, regional events and non-champions regional events, the PBA adds retired-only regional events, held every Thursday, to the schedule.
- Walter Ray Williams Jr. retires every Wednesday, wins every Thursday, unretires every Friday and wins a standard regional every Saturday.
- Williams wins all-types title number 200 in June.
- The world finally embraces the enthralling splendor of the deadwood clear. Players choreograph deadwood clears in advance and eventually replace NFL touchdown celebrations on highlight shows.
- In an effort to prevent better players from having a skills-based advantage in a professional sport, bowlers are excited to learn of the new PBA60 Retired Non-Champions Living North of the 35th Parallel division. Williams abdicates all his titles, retires and moves to Minnesota. He wins his first event.
- Beef and Barnzy, still going strong even with the return of actual bowling requiring more of their time, perfectly predict the PBA League draft picks during their 43rd mock draft.
- Cashers round is officially renamed cashiers round in order to make things easier on autocorrect. Everyone qualifying within the top third of the field, plus the next eight retired players, makes the cut.
- The PWBA returns after a one-year sabbatical. Its expanded schedule gives fans in more locations than ever an up-close glimpse of Shannon O’Keefe hoisting a trophy.
- Yes, fans.
- Bowlers Journal announces its All-American team full of non-Americans, then has to explain (1) it’s like collegiate All-American teams and (2) what a collegiate All-American team is and (3) why professional bowlers are likened to amateur college students.
- PBA League players adopt an optimistic attitude about only getting to bowl two frames per game, realizing it gives them eight extra frames during which to complain about not having eight extra frames to bowl.
- The USBC brings back patches, pleasing several dozen lifelong bowlers. A few hundred thousand kids, upon receiving their first patches, ask, “What do I do with this?”
- Jason Belmonte wins his seventh career PBA Player of the Year Award, either tying Williams’ record or moving seven ahead of him, depending on the day of the week.
- Qualifying, in a grandiose show of its indestructability, outlasts a global pandemic. Then adds more games.
Happy 2021, bowling fans and bowlers. Wishing you happiness, prosperity and quadruple your entry fee for last cash in the new year.