This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, October, 2021
Another summer of professional bowling brought us a lot of excitement. On the PBA Summer Tour, we witnessed two players win their first PBA Tour titles, several established stars compete deep into each tournament, a heated battle over the bonus prize fund for the top 10 and much more.
Among the much more: we saw some abhorrently difficult lane conditions in a couple events. Professional bowlers and many fans adore disgustingly demanding lane conditions and we were not disappointed. Players battling for every bit of a clean 190 rather than hoping to get the right carry to maintain a 240 average makes each one of those 18 consecutive hours of qualifying worth it.
Strikes are hard to find, spares are paramount and anybody who comes out alive is a winner in some sense, but those who make the cut and the one who hoists the trophy know without question they earned it.
In bowling, we say, “The best in the world are barely able to average 200” as a statement of honor. In tennis, “The best in the world fault on every serve” doesn’t have the same appeal.
Perhaps the biggest reward by way of punishment came at the U.S. Women’s Open with its four patterns of hardship on full display. As additional castigation, the U.S. Women’s Open took 24 players to match play and paid 25 players. Despite this, they still held an eight-game cashers round (in this case, it was called an advancers round and excluded alternate Stefanie Johnson, but we all know what it was), making sure everyone was able to get 80 more frames in which to potentially rip all the skin off their fingers and permanently lock their leg muscles in place.
An advancers round without a cut is similar to a conference call in which all participants have dialed in on time, but instead of starting the call, they sit there for four hours making slight tweaks to the agenda (which worked out nicely for two players in this case) before they begin.
As bowlers, we’re at our happiest when we’re at our most miserable.
Consider a leisurely family picnic. Instead of simply driving to the park, finding a clear spot under the shade of a tree and enjoying a meal with the family, we’d much rather sit in an unexplained traffic jam, kids screaming and fighting all the way, only to find the park packed with dozens of other families who took all the good spots, leaving us to cram between an eight-person family with six dogs on one side and some solo weirdo with a bushel of apples on the other. Ideally, ants would then invade our blanket, forcing us to fend those off as we attempt to grind out a couple bites of a sandwich.
If we really work hard and take it one bite at a time, we might get a piece of cake for dessert. Of course, we loathe pieces of cake as the phrase itself is synonymous with “easy,” and anything easy is unfair and revolting (and this is without even getting into the conundrum of something being so easy that it’s too hard). So, if we do get a piece of cake, let’s hope it has that peculiar tart frosting that doesn’t pair with the flaky white cake at all, forcing us to adjust with each bite to get through to the end.
After the picnic, maybe an invigorating hike would be fun. But only if the trail is wet, muddy, blocked with downed trees and teeming with bears and coyotes. Getting lost without any food or water as it transitions from day to night would be a nice touch, forcing us to trust the earth’s rotation to eventually bring the sun back to us.
If all goes well, the hike will eventually lead to the beach, where we’ll be battered with high winds blowing painful sand everywhere, immense waves pushing fish carcasses on shore and hundreds of teenagers spewing awful language while throwing footballs that no one ever catches. A perfect way to end an idyllic albeit exhausting day.
Finally, we can go to sleep feeling accomplished. The best part: we get to wake up early and do absolutely all of it again tomorrow.