This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2022
In The One Board’s sixth annual year-start countup, we greet the new year with ardor and guarantee* 22 bowling-related happenings.
*Based on number of entries
- François Lavoie enters and wins the Team USA Trials. He becomes the first player ever to be removed from the team due to résumé when his résumé, in addition to his two U.S. Open wins and three BJI All-American Team selections, reveals he was born in Canada.
- The amazing thing isn’t that a Canadian is able to enter or win; rather, the amazing thing is that someone figures out the points system to determine who wins.
- The PBA Players Championship further establishes itself as the perfect PBA season-opening event, mixing new and familiar faces into the telecasts to generate immunity against both “I’m sick of seeing the same faces” and “Where are the superstars?” complaints.
- Tom Daugherty, tired of his name being misspelled so frequently (“Daughtry,” “Daughtery,” or, in the case of the BJI All-American Team, “Belmonte,”) legally changes his name to Rebel. Players refuse to accept it and continue calling him Ritchie.
- A player on a brief hiatus “can’t wait to get back to competing again.” When he returns to competition, he’s asked how it feels to be back to competing. He says, “I don’t care what anyone else is doing and I only focus on my own game.” He’s glad to be back to competing so he can ignore the competition.
- That player stuns everyone when, prior to bowling in the stepladder finals, he states, “It’s great to be on the lanes today, but I’d rather be in the booth with you guys.”
- During the semifinal match, that player employs a radical strategy and refuses to trust the process. Miraculously, he wins, but the victory fools him into trusting his mistrust of the process, leading to a blowout loss in the championship match. He’s named to the BJI All-American Team.
- A fan, after paying nothing to get in, buying no merchandise and eating no concessions asks, “Why aren’t the prize funds bigger?”
- The prize funds are bigger than ever.
- High-fives are banned in college bowling.
- Free of incessant hand slapping, averages, graduation rates and viewership soar to new highs.
- History is made when, three hours into qualifying, after many promises of what will be interesting to see, that interesting thing is, indeed, seen.
- It’s quickly forgotten in favor of prognosticating what will be interesting to see during B squad.
- A local tournament flier finally achieves the ultimate goal: absolutely no white space whatsoever. It’s simply a giant blob of ink.
- The event receives record entries despite no one knowing the non-guaranteed guaranteed first-place payout, the convoluted format or which free bowling ball they get just for entering. A PBA Tour superstar wins.
- Mookie Betts challenges local softball players to homerun derbies around the country between Dodgers games. Betts loses to a librarian who swings one-handed.
- The librarian’s bat becomes the talk of the baseball industry.
- Airports finally reconfigure their parking rates to match USBC’s definition of short- and long-duration events. Short-term airport parking lots are now available for anyone traveling for 127 days or fewer.
- The Matrix of Fairness returns to the PBA50 Tour, now with even more fairness. In addition to the top 32 players plus the next eight super seniors, the first eight non-super-seniors outside the cut from the previous event also make it to cashers round. If one of those previous-event-non-super-seniors makes the real cut in the current event, he’s issued two entries into cashers round and gets to bowl double the games.
- The ball rep who most closely predicted the cut in the previous event is enlisted to determine the next four super seniors who will miss the cut in the subsequent event. Those players are also entered into cashers round. Cashers round is expanded to 56 games and also allows open entries to any fans who can name at least three bowling balls released more than a year ago. After the 56-game cashers round, all scores are dropped and the names of the top 24 advancing to match play are drawn from an old fishing hat.
- Walter Ray Williams Jr. wins.
- Attendance and ratings for professional bowling reach all-time highs. It’s a good time to be a bowling fan and a good time to be a bowler. Unless the humidity rises overnight.
Happy New Year, bowling fans. Wishing you happiness, prosperity and a mastery of subtle hand-position adjustments in 2022.