This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2023
*Based on entries
In The One Board’s seventh annual year-start countup, we prognosticate some of the most important and imminent bowling happenings.
- Live, televised match-play rounds of PBA majors give more viewers than ever a great perspective on what it takes to make it to the championship match: an unwavering trust of The Process.
- Aside from a bunch of Super Bowls and the final episodes of M.A.S.H. and Dallas, nothing has captivated the television viewing audience like a heaping helping of Process trusting.
- The USBC Masters moves into its fifth month of touting “selling out in 10 hours” before a single ticket for a fan is even offered for sale.
- Related: every MLB team sells out all 162 games in 2023 by fielding nine players with 16 players on the waiting list for each team.
- Baseball fans complain that the MLB should’ve “just added more defensive positions to increase the player salaries.”
- When the sold-out Masters is finally complete, another PBA Tour superstar has another major championship.
- At some point during the year, a bowling ball that changes the entire industry is released: The (brand confidential) Otra Bola.
- Bowlers start to realize how untrustworthy The Process really is. With dozens of players trusting The Process throughout every event, but only one player winning each time, it’s undeniable The Process is not only untrustworthy, but a bit of a conniving, backstabbing, fickle jerk.
- Players continue trusting The Process.
- How can they not? It’s not about results.
- Besides, the guy who picked up the trophy also trusted The Process and was rewarded with the ideal result even though results don’t matter. The only solution is to trust The Process even harder.
- People start trusting The Process so hard they let it borrow their cars, live in their houses while they’re gone and take their significant others to dinner.
- Cars get stolen. Houses get destroyed. Relationships end badly. But it’s okay; it’s not about results.
- An alliance is formed among all major sports leagues to improve the pace of play. Bowling, obviously, opts out of the alliance.
- Bowling objects so strongly to the alliance that the PWBA adds a D squad to every event.
- Feeling challenged by the PWBA’s initiative, the PBA50 adds an E squad.
- With PBA qualifying now streaming on BowlTV along with the PWBA and PBA50 Tours, collegiate high-fiving and a live look at some guy on his couch thinking about finger pitches, the why-can’t-bowling-be-in-one-place argument is moot, forcing fans to find something else to detest. They choose an old standby: formats.
- Oh, man.
- Writing of formats, the 17-player stepladder at the Tournament of Champions sets new ratings records as the No. 17 seed climbs all the way to the semifinal match, finishing third. Winning would be too much to ask and the top seed automatically finishes second, so the No. 2 seed wins.
- “I like variety.” A million games this week, a dozen next week, match play without bonus pins next month, match play with bonus pins after that, bracket here, total pins there, all qualifying, no qualifying, practice, grueling grind, carry contest, Matrix of Fairness, a little of everything.
- The NFL adopts a similar policy, varying the number of quarters (but still calling them quarters) and the lengths of those quarters from week to week. Field goals are worth four points in months ending in “ember” and three points in all other months. Extra points are still worth one point, but if the kicker is over 60 years old when making the point, he receives $1,000. Touchdowns are not allowed on Thursdays except in the third quarter, if there is a third quarter, during which touchdowns are worth 47 points each.
- The bracket format at the PBA Players Championship leads to one of the best season-ending events in PBA history. Three Player of the Year candidates advance to the semifinals and two of them advance to the finals. The winner is ultimately voted Player of the Year.
- Regardless of how exciting, engrossing and audience-building any of the 2023 PBA, PWBA and PBA50 seasons are, one thing remains undeniable: Need more games.
Happy New Year, bowling fans. May your yanks hold, your out-the-windows hit trees and your focus remain on The Process.