This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, June, 2023
Noah turned eight years old last month. Like so many soon-to-be eight-year-olds, Noah had a birthday party at his local bowling center. There is truly no better venue or activity for a child’s birthday party; it’s a public place so Noah’s parents don’t have to allow any additional slimy children in their house, it’s an activity all kids enjoy, a sweet cake tastes even sweeter when it’s in the shape of a bowling pin and, best of all, Noah will get to take home an actual bowling pin that he’ll cherish until he’s 24 and he needs to burn it for warmth after his lowlife significant other throws him out of their apartment for chopping a 6-10 during their Thursday mixed league.
Noah invited all his friends to celebrate and every one of them except Liam showed up. Liam refused to attend a party hosted by a two-hander, let alone a two-hander who uses the “wrong” brand of bowling ball. Liam has integrity and only throws—and associates with—one-handers who use the best equipment in the world, which is not to be confused with the other set of the best equipment in the world Liam will be using a month from now.
Of the nine kids who attended the party, six were two-handed righties, two were one-handed (one lefty) and one, Mason, refused to participate because the gutter guards were up. No legitimate score can be thrown when gutter balls are impossible. Plus, with the short oil pattern Noah requested, the kids were going to have to get close to the gutter and the rails could’ve interfered with their shotmaking. Mason didn’t want to risk such humiliation.
Instead of being humiliated, Mason used his time to humiliate the four kids who had to rent shoes and pick a house ball off the rack. In defense of Mason’s bullying, those kids really were making a mockery of the sport by not intuitively understanding the intricacies of ball motion and approach awareness, thinking some old ball with a conventional drilling and ill-fitting shoes would help them achieve honor scores. Embarrassingly amateurish behavior by those third graders.
After the first game of the two-game party block (Mason also criticized the lack of a third game that could’ve allowed for additional honor scores), Noah’s parents had the kids take a break from the lanes so they could devour some pizza using their non-bowling hands. At first, the kids loved this, but eventually they started to get nervous that their arms and legs were getting stiff with all the waiting between games, so they asked for additional practice before game two. Noah’s parents refused, citing time constraints. The kids, in an uproar and completely unconcerned with time, approached the manager and demanded practice. The manager and the parents met for a few minutes and eventually compromised, giving the kids three minutes of practice on a non-party pair before game two began. This cost Noah’s parents an extra $20 but it was well worth it to placate the participants and prevent the pizza portion of the party from plundering the party of its proper prestige.
Needing a double in the 10th frame of the second game to win his own birthday party, Noah confidently stepped up, went through his pre-shot routine, approached the line, released the ball and got three off the left to lose to his younger sister who posted a career-best two-game set of 193.
After taking a moment to himself in the locker room, during which he hurled his equipment and shoes and empty boxes in all directions, Noah returned to the party as if nothing had happened, excited to open his presents, all of which were rolls of thumb tape. Except for the one roll by a brand that was not product-registered with the party planners, this was exactly what Noah wanted.
Happy birthday, Noah.