Month: January 2024

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24 Guarantees* for 2024

*Based on entries

After eight years and 96 editions, plus the 97th edition currently in print, The One Board moves to its new home: the internet. We’ll continue to revere the sport while highlighting and having fun with its absurdities but, like a dying network’s TV show revived on Netflix, the lighting might be slightly different and one of the actors may be having trouble recapturing his sultry performance voice.

We begin with the eighth annual year-start countup, eschewing year-end countdowns and embracing ludicrous prognostications for the year ahead.

  1. The PBA Player of the Year discussion will start on day one of qualifying in the PBA Players Championship January 10.
  2. That discussion won’t end until December.
  3. The winner of the Players Championship will be jokingly asked, “How does it feel to be the frontrunner in the Player of the Year race?”
  4. No one will laugh.
  5. The player will be respectful to the asker but blow off the question due to it being so early in the season.
  6. There’s a lot of bowling to go.
  7. Jason Belmonte, who has not gone back-to-back years without winning the PBA Player of the Year Award since his first POY season in 2013, once again will be extra motivated to prevent a two-year gap.
  8. EJ Tackett, one of just three players (and the only one to do it twice) who aren’t Belmonte to win Player of the Year since 2013, likewise has additional incentive to claim his second consecutive year-end honor.
  9. Anthony Simonsen, who is admirable for his lack of desire to talk about Player of the Year despite frequently being asked about it, and who finished in the top 10 in every single event in 2023, may take it from everyone.
  10. Simonsen will win at least one major and become the youngest player to win six.
  11. We’ll see three players win their first PBA Tour titles and one, who isn’t necessarily part of that group of three, win his first major.
  12. Increased PBA Elite League competition adds intrigue not just to the League but also to every event on the schedule.
  13. With PBA Elite League matches taking place on practice day in every town, fans have yet another reason to believe practice day is more compelling than qualifying.
  14. Come for the practice, stay for the Baker team bowling.
  15. Come back the next day for qualifying.
  16. Or go to work the next day. You can turn on BowlTV at your desk in an effort to keep track of the qualifying.
  17. BowlTV’s small price increase is reinvested directly toward funding the creation of a Dr. Joyce Brothers hologram, finally adding that essential seventh simultaneous commentator to the booth.
  18. Bowling fans are divided on whether or not they like the hologram. Some think it’s a nice change of pace to hear that fake voice while others think that seventh chair should’ve gone to a bowler.
  19. Any bowler. But not that bowler.
  20. Similar to the Stanley Cup, the Elias Cup is to be traveled around the world, one day per player on the championship team, but plans are canceled when no one can agree on the format for the tournament that would’ve determined who gets to wear the white gloves and escort the Cup.
  21. Six months after the season ends, the PBA Player of the Year is announced. It goes to a “PTQ Guy” who comes out of nowhere, every “week,” to dominate.
  22. “Week,” in bowling, continues to mean “absolutely any length of time.”
  23. The One Board continues its reign as the most highly read satirical bowling column, bolstered by being at the forefront of a burgeoning movement called digital publication.
  24. To enhance authenticity and integrity, readers will only be able to click on this site using a mouse or trackpad that was manufactured at a minimum hardness of 78HD.

Happy new year, bowling fans.

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Modernizing Emily Postingshot’s Etiquette and Bowling Dining

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, December, 2023

Recently, legendary librarian and researcher May Kyorspares discovered a copy of Emily Postingshot’s Etiquette and Bowling Dining. Originally published in 1895 in conjunction with the launch of the American Bowling Congress, Etiquette and Bowling Dining was the foremost authority on the subject for decades until all copies were thought to have gradually disintegrated or found their way to estate sales or dumpsters or the bottom of Lake Tahoe. Postingshot passed away in 1943 without a will, a survivor or a single copy of her breakthrough publication among her few possessions.

Since Postingshot’s guide was published in 1895, it doesn’t address some of the issues of present-day bowling, nor could it have foreseen plastic killing the rubber game before urethane killed the plastic game before reactive resin killed the urethane game before urethane killed the reactive-resin game, as the rubber bowling balls that killed the wooden game weren’t invented until 1905.

Eating and bowling have long been intertwined, with recreational bowlers using league night not just as a place to compete but also to have dinner and enjoy some fellowship. The food available at bowling centers has advanced considerably since 1895, but the desire to simultaneously eat and bowl remains strong.

Many of Postingshot’s rules still apply in principle but could use an update for today’s game. Kyorspares plans to auction the book for an estimated $48M, but has shared some of the rules in advance to inspire potential buyers. Kyorspares refused to give us permission to reprint some of the rules here, but that’s okay because the book is now in the public domain and we can print whatever we want as long as it has nothing to do with ball hardness. We’ll start with Postingshot’s original guidelines and then attempt to modernize them to keep up with bowling’s advances.

Always eat with your non-bowling hand. This is obvious. Righties are to use their left hands to eat and lefties are to use their rights. This keeps pizza grease out of the bowling ball. The guide doesn’t address two-handers, but it’s safe to assume two-handers should either use their support hands to eat, thoroughly wiping the residual grease all over their pants as part of the pre-shot routine, or jam their faces into the food like a contestant in a stereotypical pie-eating contest. Cutlery, as in 1895, is still not advised.

Never eat on the approach. While tempting to walk to the line with a hot dog in hand, too much can go wrong. The slightest bit of mustard on the approach can impact the next player’s slide, leading to potential injury. Even the tiniest bun crumb could absorb just enough moisture from the air to lower the humidity enough to force players to change their slide soles (a solution that was not available in 1895). This is more than a guideline and is an actual rule in just about every bowling center in the world.

Always order your food before competition begins or, in an emergency, immediately after your frame. Loading up on food before competition is preferable, but if you develop a sudden desperate need for molten cheese, placing your order as soon as your frame ends gives you the maximum amount of time to get to the counter, beg for sustenance and return to your lanes before your next turn. In 1985, pace of play was important and keeping your lanemates waiting was grounds for banishment from the league. Today, pace of play is excruciating and we need to fix it. Perhaps perfecting the timing of ordering our loaded tots will generate the momentum needed to speed up the game.

Never leave discarded food, plates or wrappers behind. When Postingshot wrote her guide, this was a laughable point because of course people took care of their own garbage. Today, it must be acknowledged. Sure, a hard-working employee will take care of your disrespectful laziness if necessary, but don’t make it necessary. Leaving your smeared barbecue sauce and crumpled plates behind is disgusting. Throw them away.

Per Kyorspares’ auction listing, these are just four of the 900 guidelines in the perfect series making up the book. If you’d like a shot at the other 896, Kyorspares says she’ll be releasing further details on the auction at Whenever She Gets Around To It p.m. ET.