This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, October, 2017
Bowlers will never be known as complainers. They always look at the positive side of any situation and are constantly focusing on the good things that happen to them rather than the bad. This is amazing, because there are so many forces conspiring against bowlers, it’s hard to believe bowling is possible at all.
Humidity
Modern bowling shoes are built to combat changing conditions on the approaches, allowing bowlers to replicate their comfortable slide whether someone slathered cooking oil on the approach or spilled soda on it seven hours ago, which has now dried into a disgusting pile of what might as well be sap.
Did it rain last night? Has it not rained in a year? Will it rain later today? Does it feel like it should be raining but it isn’t?
Constant humidity changes, especially on synthetic approaches with moisture-retaining smaller, shallower pores or, if you ask a different expert, wood approaches that naturally absorb moisture, directly impact the comfort level of the bowler. The intrusion into a bowler’s comfort and confidence is far more detrimental than the actual physical difficulties encountered by having to adjust slide pads or change one’s entire approach.
Often, the most valuable player at a bowling tournament is the HVAC mechanic.
Lights and Shadows
The house lights themselves aren’t bad, as bowlers need those to help them see, but when you start adding complementary illumination to the environment, not only are you installing something for bowlers to avoid looking at, but you also create shadows. And shadows can move.
A bowler on the approach with a light behind him is prone to seeing shadows change on the approach as people wander about in the background. An extra light might reflect off one of the 50 non-distracting-but-always-moving bowlers and objects in the bowling center, creating a surprising twinkle over a player’s target line, only to be eclipsed by a shadow from behind, resulting in the bowler missing by an arrow and crossing over for a Brooklyn strike. This, justifiably, is rage-inducing despite being the best possible score in a single bowling shot.
This isn’t even taking into account the immense heat an LED light, like those occasionally used by Xtra Frame, gives off. (Scientist’s note: LED lights do not emit heat.)
When we get into TV lights, there’s truly no hope for a bowler. Brighter than the sun, these lights have either been proven or disproven, depending on whom you ask, to affect the oil, completely changing or not changing the playing environment. With only 15 minutes of practice prior to the show, there’s barely time to adapt one’s eyes, let alone learn how to play the lanes.
Good Breaks
Sure, bowlers secretly enjoy good breaks, but they add more mental turmoil than the 11 pins they’re worth. Bowlers aren’t allowed to be happy with good breaks; humble acceptance is the closest emotion they’re permitted to show.
If you win with a good break, you get less credit for the win. “Oh, he only won because of his lucky carry, or his Brooklyn, or his opponent’s stone 8.”
Never mind if the lucky carry was in one frame during a 70-pin blowout win, or a Brooklyn at the front of a nine-bagger, or an opponent’s bad break on a fill ball after the match was decided in the eighth. A good break stains your glory.
Plus, if all things even out, a good break means there’s a bad break coming soon, and if you get lucky in a supremely important spot, you’re guaranteed to be unlucky in another important spot in the future.
Nothing at all, aside from imminent doom, can come from a good break. Fans of irony, rejoice: a good break is actually the worst break a bowler can get.