Pace of Play

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, August, 2017

One topic that is discussed heartily in all sports is the pace of play. Why does it take more than three hours to play a baseball game? Why do the last two minutes of a basketball game take longer than the other 46? How is it possible football takes so long when so much of the time involves the players getting into position while the clock runs?

The same conversation is crucial to bowling, where it’s time we NEED MORE GAMES discuss NEED MORE GAMES how long a sporting event NEED MORE GAMES should NEED MORE GAMES last.

To speed the game, Major League Baseball now allows pitchers to intentionally walk batters without having to throw the pitches.

The National Hockey League imposes a delay-of-game penalty on a defensive player who shoots the puck over the glass, which ironically delays the game as the referee puts the player in the penalty box.

The National Basketball Association is considering options to speed up its games, particularly looking at the final two minutes, which currently either take what seems like three hours for a close game or—in defiance of space and time—less than two minutes in a blowout.

In bowling, we NEED MORE GAMES.

Pink Floyd said (while competing on a Wall, mind you) you can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat. Roger Waters hasn’t returned my call, but it’s a virtual certainty the true meaning of that line is you can’t have any more games until you’ve proven you can bowl your current games in less time than it takes to fly a gigantic metal airplane from New York to Los Angeles.

At every level, especially professional bowling and excluding youth bowling, the pace of play continues to get slower. There is no reason professional bowlers should need five hours to play eight games, even if there are four on a pair with a lot of newbies who don’t know the cross or a tough lane condition that requires a lot of two-shot frames.

“Which part do I come watch?” asks a fan with multiple life-related responsibilities and interests.

“All 12 hours, of course,” I reply. “And there are another 12 tomorrow and the next day.”

In those 12 hours, we see two squads bowl eight games each. If they could bowl a game in 20 minutes, as the best in the world should be able to do, we could cram 36 total games into those 12 hours. We shouldn’t, because that would send all the bowlers to the orthopaedist, who would then become overworked to the point of needing an orthopaedist herself, but we could.

I’m not arguing against qualifying, which is essential to the fairness and integrity of the sporting event. I’m not arguing against a particular number of games, either. I’m not even necessarily arguing against the total day of bowling lasting 12 hours, as the logistics of field and venue sizes almost always prohibit everyone from being able to bowl simultaneously. I am arguing for the casual fans who might walk into a bowling center and be interested enough to ask questions and find out what’s going on until they realize they have to sit there for 10 more hours and nothing definitive happens until the weekend.

How many baseball games last six hours? Of those, how many are immediately followed by a quick break to mow the field and then another six-hour game? And how many fans sit through all 13 hours, including the hour to mow the field, and then come back to do it again for the next three days?

It’s time we bring the pace-of-play discussion to bowling. For almost every other major sport, three hours is the approximate acceptable length of a single block of competition. It’s better to leave the fans wanting more than to leave them wondering how much more there is.

Dog Day After League

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, July, 2017

What have you been doing the past two months? And what will you do the next two months? Welcome to July, the month with the dubious distinction of being as far away as possible from league bowling’s traditional season. Two months ago, you rolled your last ball. Two months from now, you’ll roll your first ball. In between, we all bear the dreaded inescapable abyss of not being able to bowl league. With evenings free, hamstrings not fatigued and mental health growing, we have no idea what to do with ourselves.

Sure, you can get your bowling fix by watching the PBA Tour, PBA50 Tour, PWBA Tour and more on Xtra Frame, ESPN and CBS Sports Network, but you’re not actually bowling. And yes, you can go to the lanes and throw a few, or you can enter the USBC Open Championships for a nice weekend of fun and experiences, but unless you’re a high-level competitive bowler, those things are all fleeting, short-term solutions to a nagging problem: you physically can’t function if you are not going to the lanes and bowling three games once a week (rather, it’s probably more accurate to say several times a week) in a USBC-sanctioned league.

Perhaps you joined a summer league, which is a good idea, but everyone knows summer leagues aren’t the same. The weather is different, the participants are different and the overall vibe is different. The first week of summer league feels a lot like the time you found out Aunt Susan wasn’t really your aunt: weird, confusing and a little frightening. We should all bowl in summer leagues, and they’re fun, but there’s nothing quite like the traditional 900-week season that begins after Labor Day.

“I get antsy,” says one forlorn league bowler. “Every Tuesday night, I feel like I need to be doing something, and when I realize it’s bowling, I frantically pack up all my equipment and am usually out of the driveway before I remember bowling season is over.”

He does this weekly for four excruciating months, never actually making the full trek to the bowling center despite the fact he’s already in the car with his armoire of bowling balls.

“There’s just nothing like league,” he continues. “I can bowl alone, but who’s going to vouch for my 6-7-10 conversions? Who’s going to chastise me for rolling a 2-pin?”

What do you do with your surplus of time? You could clean out your basement, paring your arsenal to the important pieces for league season and disposing of the rest. Except you can’t get rid of that ball—it’s your first 300 ball. And you can’t get rid of this ball—it converted the big four once. And this one? The first ball you ever hated. You definitely can’t trash the first ball that ever irreparably cracked. With the sentimental value being so immense, it’s best to leave these never-to-be-rolled-again treasures on the rack and buy a whole new batch of equipment when the late-summer releases hit the pro shops.

Perhaps you could take your family on a multi-week vacation, but then you’ll be tempted to buy a motorhome, fill it with all those bowling balls and subconsciously plot a course that for some reason takes you to Overland Park, Peoria, Milwaukee, Towson, Atlantic City, Windsor Locks and Akron. In that order. Your kids will be almost as confused as you are.

If you have the ability, maybe try hibernating. Go home after your league banquet in April or May, burrow into a cave and sleep until bowling returns in September.

For now, at least you’ve made it this far. Just two months of nothing to go.

Bowling Vernacular

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, June, 2017

Bowling is not the only subset of culture with a nomenclature unique to itself, but it’s definitely one of the most unique among the unique. Every geographical region, corporate guidebook and alleged close-knit group of friends has its own way of communicating. The beauty of such a phenomenon is the linguistic intricacies sound normal within those groups, even enhancing the level of engagement and fun within the group. The even-more beauty is how absurd it all looks when you analyze it from the outside.

Homonymous Synonyms

Your ball rolls down the lane, looking good for the first 30 feet or so. Then, not so much. It’s not quite hanging, not quite skating and definitely not out the window, but there’s something weird about it. Your assurance that it’ll cut back to the pocket quickly dissipates as you watch it try to turn but never fully succeed in doing so. After watching all the pins except the 2, 4 and 10 fall, you turn around to see your loving teammate, who says, “Got a little skittish down there.”

You need a moment to process his feedback. Did he say “skittish,” a real word, meaning nervous, that personifies the bowling ball as a frightened hermit too scared to turn to the pocket? Or did he say “skiddish,” a fake word invented by bowlers that means the ball is skidding too much? And, since both homonyms end up meaning the same thing, why does it matter? It matters because you want to know if your teammate is worthy of praise for using an underused vocabulary word (skittish) or if your teammate is worthy of praise for using insider jargon (skiddish). He definitely deserves some kind of recognition.

Too frustrated with the 2-4-10 to figure it out and definitely too skittish to compliment your teammate, you let it go.

Sk8 Or Die

“That ball is too skid flippy.”

Staying with the skidding theme, we consider the problem that has plagued bowlers for as long as it has helped skateboarders win gold medals at the X Games: skid flips.

Of course, skid flippiness can be a good thing, although we almost always hear it in the context of a ball being too skid flippy or a player desperately needing—but failing to achieve—skid flippiness.

Skid flippiness, invented by Tony Hawk and made famous by Tim Mack, comes from reading the lane front-to-back rather than left-to-right, as the bowlers at the highest levels do, since it directly relates to backend reaction, whether desired or undesired.

Being able to hold a conversation about skid flippiness not only proves you are part of the bowling community, but also makes for a great story some random eavesdropper will be telling her family later about the two goobers talking about skid flippiness.

One Time

“One time!” shouts a bowler hoping for his ball to knock down all 10 pins.

At that exact moment, it makes sense. But over the course of any period of time longer than that exact moment, it is completely preposterous.

The bowler is literally saying he hopes his ball can strike just this one time. Except he says the same thing next frame. And the next frame. He wants his ball to strike one time every time. For an implied pact with the mythical bowling gods, it’s quite selfish and expectant.

There is no way a bowler would ever be happy again if the bowling gods got sick of being taken advantage of and made sure that one time was truly the only time. Shouting this phrase is a maneuver of the highest risk.

Just once, I’d like a skittish skiddish ball to get skid flippy down lane when it matters, giving me the most beautiful strike in the history of bowling. And then I want that to happen indefinitely. Easy.

Stop Doing That

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, May, 2017

Some things in bowling need to be stopped. Obviously, the sandbagging, average manipulation and general subterfuge engaged in by the abhorrent few need to go away, but today, let’s address the completely innocuous aspects of bowling that are well on their ways to becoming clichés.

The Field Goal

Your attempted 7-10 split conversion was a colossal failure. The ball rolls between the two pins, touching neither. You’re already embarrassed, and then you turn around to see several amateur football referees with both hands in the air, signaling the field goal.

You are not playing football. And while you understand what these hands in the air like they just don’t care mean, you’re still highly aggravated over the blower 7-10 that put a stop to your three-bagger (although you are also not playing baseball) and not in the mood to be reminded you missed so badly on the conversion attempt (you are also not playing evangelism).

Plus, no proponent of the field-goal signal ever does it when you hit the inside of one of the pins. Shouldn’t that still be a good kick, as long as the ball bounced to the inside? And what about a 4-5 split? That’s still a good field goal, too, and yet you converted it. Let’s at least be consistent, referees.

The Brooklyn Point

If you’re going to call your own Brooklyn, do it before you roll the ball. It’ll be far more impressive. After you’ve released your shot and missed by an arrow, you’re not the only one who can see you’re going to cross over. You pointing to the left doesn’t absolve you from embarrassment.

I used to bowl with a guy whose Brooklyn Point was part of his follow through, it seemed. He yanked every shot, then immediately pointed left and slapped it out on the rare occasion he didn’t leave a 5-pin. That whole show is worse than the Brooklyn itself.

Take your Brooklyns and cherish them, but don’t wait until the ball is 45 feet down the lane to point at them.

The High Five

When exchanging a high five, you don’t want to use your bowling hand, you don’t want to hit too hard and you don’t want to get covered in the other guy’s sweat. Everything about the high five disgusts you.

Solution: lightly tap the least amount of surface area of your hand to the least amount of surface area of his hand, accomplishing nothing more than an even more revolting experience than all the things you feared about a real high five.

Sure, you avoid his sweaty palm, but now you have to graze his cold, clammy index finger that is only moderately distinguishable from his pus-filled thumb wound, and you’re not sure which one you touched due to your own calloused knuckle having lost all its nerves in a tragic high-fiving incident following a routine 4-pin conversion in 1997.

The Explanation of You Having the Best Look in the House

Did you win? If not, you did not have the best look in the house. The guy who won doesn’t care that you would’ve won had you only picked up 43 of the 44 single-pin spares you missed. Also, if you truly had the best look in the house and didn’t win, don’t tell anyone—you’re explaining your own ineptitude. Stick with the phrase, “I had the worst look in the house.” That way, if you finish last, it makes sense, and if you win, you’re astoundingly good.

The Following of These Rules

After adhering to all this for a couple weeks, please resume your normal routine. Bowling wouldn’t be the same without these harmless, albeit ridiculous, acts. Except that last one. Stop doing that for real.

Bowl Like an Egyptian

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, April, 2017

In 1895 (or the 1930s, depending on your source), British Egyptologist Sir Flinders Petrie discovered objects in a child’s grave in Egypt that, to him, represented a crude form of bowling. This suggests the actual invention of bowling dates back to 3200 B.C., when prize funds were fair and squad equity was invariably precise.

You won’t be able to research this assertion much further, as Petrie’s own can’t-be-wrong Wikipedia page doesn’t even mention it, and the 35-year gap in the claim of when he discovered the objects is alarming, but it’s intriguing to consider bowling could have been around 3,500 years prior to its undisputed presence in Germany in 300 A.D. Also of note: Team Europe won the Weber Cup 1,476 years in a row, by forfeit, until, in the course of human events, it became necessary for one people to form a bowling team.

We still refer to bowlers as keglers, in a way always paying homage to the game’s German heritage (“kegler” is German for “bowler”), but can we completely discount Petrie’s theory? Or was Petrie merely consumed by bowling fever, keeping in mind the American Bowling Congress was established in 1895, the exact same year Petrie excavated the child’s grave? Incidentally, other evidence suggests Petrie was the first British ABC member and finished second in All Events that year to Maurice McNiel.

The evidence seems spotty, but could Petrie be right about bowling’s Egyptian origin? Let’s explore.

When you think of Egypt, you might think of Moses, mummies, political unrest or the King Tut episodes of Batman, but it’s time we put bowling first. As bowlers, we lack patience unless we’re talking about when we bowled last, when we’ll bowl next or how we’re bowling right now, but the Ancient Egyptian culture was fascinating in every respect. Still, wouldn’t it be even more engrossing if bowling were involved? That’s why it’s so infuriating the King Tuts from Batman and those 37 Museum movies never once mention their high games or positive axis points.

The history books give the headlines to the romanticized and grade-level appropriate version of Egyptian history, but not even a footnote is given to the schlubs arranging 10 items at the end of a narrow alley, then chucking rocks at those items in an effort to receive a “75 items above average” hieroglyphic.

It was a true shame when the Ancient Egyptian Bowling Congress switched from hieroglyphics to magnets, especially because there were no refrigerators.

Consider the visually stunning and compelling pyramids at Giza. Archaeologists, anthropologists and other ologists have long studied why and how the pyramids were built, and there are some enthralling facts and interesting theories out there, but we’re about to answer the question once and for all: the pyramids are a three-dimensional representation of a rack of bowling pins. That, or they were trying to create a set of 10 pyramids, built in an equilateral triangle and equidistant from each other. Somebody probably complained about the inevitability of a bad rack, so they scrapped the whole idea. With nearly 140 pyramids throughout Egypt, they could’ve built a seven-lane house with a little planning.

Maybe we’re approaching absurdity in an effort to support Petrie’s claims, but when you look at the modern game, maybe we’re not?

Today, we see top bowling stars donning ornate, shiny garb, mummified by kinesiology tape and worshiping inanimate objects as they spend hours upon hours bowling near the Luxor in Las Vegas. Perhaps the Egyptian influence is stronger than even Sir Flinders Petrie thought.

March Madness

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, March, 2017

Finally, we’ve reached that wonderful time of year in which millions of grown adults risk their happiness, hopes, dreams, sanity and life savings by investing it all in a group of basketball-playing 18-year-old society-declared adults with eight years of eligibility left on their parents’ health-insurance plans.

After 31 maximum allowable qualifying games, which is way too few, the NCAA selection committee determines the teams that deserve a chance at a national championship. The first time this was done, in 1939, the committee decided eight teams were worthy, except it wasn’t fair someone was left out, so they raised it to 16, but then it wasn’t fair someone else was left out, so they raised it to somewhere between 22 and 25 from 1953-74 (confusing but still unfair), so they raised it to 32, then 40, then 48, then 52, then 53, before finally moving to the famous bracket-friendly 64 in 1985, except somehow there continued to be someone left out, so they went to 65, but even then it was unfair, so now it’s 68 and, let’s call a diamond a diamond, it’s still not fair.

When will someone devise a format that accurately seeds all NCAA basketball teams, places the games in truly neutral settings and guarantees the best team will win? And what kind of shoes are they wearing?

A Change in Seasons

March also brings us in the northern hemisphere the vernal equinox, while those of us in the southern hemisphere experience the autumnal equinox. If you live on the equator, I don’t know what, if anything, you experience.

This is the special time of year in which the axis rotation of the earth (depending on its unique positive axis point and influenced by its core, obviously) matches up with the rays of the sun. At the exact moment of the equinox, the sun’s rays add shine to cover the northern and southern hemispheres equally. Immediately following the equinox, the sun’s rays focus increasingly more on the northern hemisphere, which adjusts to spring and summer, while autumn and winter line up south of the equator.

Because of this, the earth goes through some surface changes, with leaves turning color, ice and snow melting in the north and forming in the south, helping to maintain playability throughout the next several months without becoming too skid-flippy.

In Other News

March 1 is Beer Day in Iceland, so any Icelanders reading this should remember to leave your name shirts in the closet that day. Meanwhile, Americans are preparing for National Canadian Bacon Day (March 3), National Cheese Doodle Day (5th), National Crown Roast of Pork Day (7th) and National Peanut Cluster Day (8th) before the potentially intertwining National Crabmeat and National Meatball Day on the 9th. Perhaps, fellow Americans, it’s time we stop honoring foods every day of the year and start bowling more.

A Very Small Slice of Pi

March 14 marks the one day a year everyone who hated high-school geometry pretends to be a math-loving nerd. Those of us in bowling are constantly reaping the benefits (or cursing the pitfalls) of pi, which of course is crucial to circumferences, areas and everything else circle- and sphere-related that helps us talk about bowling balls at a level so far over the heads of the general public, they really have no choice but to run out, buy a drill press and devote their lives to altering pitches.

Women’s History

Perhaps most important, March is also Women’s History Month in the United States, Canada and Australia, which naturally leads us to want to discuss great female accomplishments in bowling. Debate the top 68 amongst yourselves, as I will not risk printing any examples for the certain fear of unfairly leaving someone out. In any case, the top current players return with the PWBA in April. That’s good news and reason enough to push through all these absurd food-worshiping days in March.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Stock Footage

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, February, 2017

Remember when Peg Bundy (Married With Children) bowled a 300? How about when Jill Taylor (Home Improvement) did her little dance after every shot and drilled every rack? When Tim fouled on his last shot, he had to kiss her bowling shoes and emasculate himself in front of all his construction-worker friends.

The Conners went bowling in every episode on Roseanne. The folks on Family Matters rehashed every generic bowling plot in existence.

Why does every sitcom venture into the world of bowling? Because it’s compelling. Yes, even to Hollywood folks who don’t care about formats or topography or even correct scoring, there is always something captivating about someone having to pick up a 7-10 split to win whatever low-stakes contest is being held on that particular show. That’s why The Pressure-Packed 7-10 Attempt is the greatest generic sitcom plot in history, easily edging out Person Gets Carried Away Gambling and Child Mysteriously Gets Impossible-to-Find Christmas Gift that Neither Parent Purchased and Then Stare at the Ceiling in Wonder While Sleigh Bells Jingle.

The record, as far as I know, for most sitcom 7-10 conversions belongs to Bronson Pinchot. His first came in 1989 as Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers, a show that needs to be more readily available in some format somewhere (maybe Xtra Frame?). After an ill-timed eye appointment, during which the doctor put drops in his eyes and he “(couldn’t) see a thing,” Balki was put in the anchor position on Cousin Larry’s team, taking on Mr. Gorpley and his goons, who had been winning the league trophy (and rubbing Larry’s face in it) for years.

Stepping up in the 10th, Balki needed a strike and a spare to win it. He stood on the approach, pins blurry, walked to the line, delivered with his too-new-to-be-controversial two-handed release and blasted the rack for a strike. Could he repeat the shot and win it?

It looked good. “Yes… yes…” said Larry. The dreaded 7-10 split. “No… no…” continued Larry.

Because this was a sitcom, nobody wanted anything to do with the smart play: pick up one of the two pins to tie and settle the match in a rolloff. Besides, if they’d done that, the episode would’ve run long and they would’ve had to cut the final scene in which we all learn a valuable lesson, a crucial component to classic sitcoms.

Balki, through blurry eyes, attempts to make the split. Slow motion kicks in at the foul line, ensuring something inspiring is about to happen. The ball hits the outside of the 7-pin, which gloriously slides into the 10-pin for the conversion and the championship.

Balki, perhaps bolstered by the confidence gained at such a triumphant moment, went on to marry the girl of his dreams, have a beautiful baby boy and presumably live with Cousin Larry for the rest of his life.

Oh, sorry. Retroactive spoiler alert.

Pinchot basked in the glory of that 7-10 pickup as long as he could, not even attempting another one until several years later as a cast member of Step by Step, on which he played Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

The Internet Movie Database says this happened in 1997, which seems awfully recent for an episode of Step by Step, but there’s something absurdly picturesque about watching the same man, albeit with a different accent, pick up the same split with the same stock footage.

Confronted with a 7-10 split, some people like to shoot at the pin on the ball-return side, some like to shoot at the pin on the opposite side, some determine their target based on the type of pinsetter, and Pinchot simply uses the same stock footage. Perhaps, there is something to be learned from TV after all.

Bowling With Weird Al – How America’s Greatest Pastime Influenced America’s Greatest Satirist

This feature story originally appeared on the cover of the February, 2017 issue of Bowlers Journal International.

“I want to bowl with the gangstas.”

In his 2006 hit, “White & Nerdy,” while touting his Segway driving skills, delighting in his fashionable fanny-pack and gloating about doing vector calculus just for fun, there’s one thing “Weird Al” Yankovic really wants to do at the end of the song: “I want to bowl with the gangstas / But, oh well, it’s obvious I’m white and nerdy.”

It’s funny because it’s true. If there were one activity Yankovic would want to do with the gangstas, there’s a good chance it would be to bowl. He was rolling a bowling ball before he was squeezing an accordion. The latter eventually took precedence, but the former never left him, as we can see throughout his entire body of work.

Popular culture has always had an interest in bowling, even if it’s usually presented in a supporting role. Every sitcom, past or present, features the sport in at least one episode. The Big Lebowski, although not a bowling movie, highlights the game prominently as a backdrop. Television commercials purporting to sell a care-free attitude put smiling actors on the lanes to hawk anything from pharmaceuticals to digital cameras.

When confronted with a pop-culture phenomenon such as this, there is only one place to turn: “Weird Al” Yankovic, the biggest-selling comedy recording artist in history and undisputed king of pop culture who happens to have a sizeable affinity for bowling. Throughout his career, which is now in its fourth decade, Yankovic has often incorporated bowling into his music, videos and his cult-hit feature film, UHF.

Coming off the immense success of 2014’s Mandatory Fun, the first comedy album to ever debut at #1 on the Billboard chart and the first in more than 50 years to even reach the top spot, Yankovic is marking the end of an era with Squeeze Box: The Complete Works of “Weird Al” Yankovic, a career-encompassing box set to be released by Legacy Recordings and PledgeMusic in the fall of 2017.

Naturally, I seize the opportunity of such a career-spanning milestone to talk to Yankovic specifically about his penchant for referencing bowling so often over the years. It’s no surprise that it’s no coincidence.

“Bowling was a big part of my childhood,” he says, “and as such, it informed my art.”

Born and raised in Lynwood, California, Yankovic fondly recalls plenty of childhood weekends spent on the lanes with his aunts and grandmother.

“It was called Blue Chip Bowling,” he says. “If there was a colored pin as the head pin and you got a strike, you would win so many Blue Chip Stamps.”

Like a true bowler, the level of detail of his memory goes deeper. “And if you got it in the third, sixth and ninth frames, you would win even more Blue Chip Stamps. At the time, it was a big deal to win Blue Chip Stamps from bowling.”

It was a big enough deal that, less than 20 miles away in Venice, eventual PBA Hall of Famer Randy Pedersen was doing the same thing.

“Blue Chip Stamps were as good as cash,” says Pedersen. “As a kid, you didn’t know what pressure was until you had to strike for a book of stamps.”

Yankovic is five years older than Pedersen, and—as best we can tell—the two never ran into each other during those weekend sessions. However, they both used the experiences, in different ways and to varying degrees, to help rise to the pinnacles of their respective careers, Pedersen winning 13 PBA Tour titles and Yankovic winning four Grammy® awards among 15 nominations.

“I was on a bowling league when I was 12 years old,” says Yankovic. “My junior-high friends and I. After school, we would have the bowling tournament. I have to say I was not a great bowler at all, but it featured prominently in my early life.”

In between trips to the lanes, Yankovic dedicated most of his time to reading MAD Magazine, learning to play the accordion his parents gifted him (he is not related to America’s Polka King, Frankie Yankovic), writing funny songs and sending tapes to Dr. Demento, who was the first person to play one of Yankovic’s recordings, the never-released “Belvedere Cruising,” on the radio. From that point on, Yankovic, despite having what looked to be a promising career as an architect ahead of him, was a musician.

His affection for bowling found its way into his lyrics, and his desire to play the game hasn’t waned even as his schedule gets busier performing around the world, appearing on TV shows and adding to his rapidly growing voiceover résumé, most recently supplying the voice for the title character in Disney XD’s Milo Murphy’s Law.

“Chris Hardwick invited me to be a part of his celebrity bowling Nerdist webcast,” says Yankovic. “It was the nerds versus the Mad Men. I did embarrassingly badly. And poor Jon Hamm; he’s already Jon Hamm, for crying out loud, and we find out he’s a great bowler, too.”

Yankovic, fully aware of Hardwick’s father Billy’s PBA Hall of Fame stature, jests, “He definitely has an unfair advantage on everybody. He’s an incredible bowler and he’s like, ‘Hey, let’s do a show where I’m better than everybody else.’”

Maybe I’ll Go Bowling

You can usually generalize a person’s age by asking what the first Weird Al song he or she heard was. Mine was “Smells Like Nirvana.” Furthermore, you can usually tell a person’s level of bowling immersion by whether or not he or she notices even the slightest reference to it in pop culture. My level is “preposterously high.”

In short, I’m primed for this conversation about Yankovic’s kinship with bowling. Thankfully, so is he.

In an effort to deftly straddle the line between a well-prepared journalist and a drooling fan, I begin listing a few of the times Yankovic has mentioned bowling in his oeuvre. I’m working toward the song I want to discuss most, but he gets there first.

“’Generic Blues,’” he says. “(Bowling is) featured very prominently in that song.”

The song, from 1989’s UHF: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff, is an original composition in which Yankovic absurdly outlines the utter misery of life and contemplates ending it all, but comes to a very reasonable alternative: “Maybe I’ll go bowling instead.”

The song closes with a more elaborate, farcical intention, hitting several bowling stereotypes: “Or maybe I’ll go bowling / Or I just might go bowling / Maybe I’ll just rent some shoes and go bowling / Maybe I’ll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid-looking shirt and go bowling instead / Yeah.”

Aside from what bowlers would call a highly relatable correlation between self-loathing and bowling, we can read deeper into the lyrics than perhaps intended to find poignancy. No matter how bad life appears, we can always retreat to the lanes.

“Generic Blues,” intentionally or not, feasibly captures the essence of what bowling does to the human brain better than any drawn-out explication in the history of the sport.

On a literal level, it’s hilarious. Bowling as a solution? It makes sense to readers of this publication, but to general society, it is hysterical. That’s no mistake.

“Most of the things I lampoon and parody are things I actually love,” says Yankovic. “It comes from a real place. My humor is not mean-spirited, I’m not going for the jugular and not trying to step on anybody’s toes. I’m just trying to have a little bit of fun.”

Yankovic has been having fun professionally since his eponymous debut album in 1983, the first of 14 studio albums that, along with Medium Rarities, a not-yet-finalized (“The lawyers are still battling it out,” he says) collection of songs not previously released on albums, will be included on Squeeze Box.

“It’s not like it’s the end of my career,” he says, “but it’s the end of my album output, I think. It’s the end of my record deal, and anything I do from now on is probably not going to be released 12 songs at a time in an album format.”

Squeeze Box will be a literal squeeze box: a replica of Yankovic’s accordion, with the bellows housing all 15 albums presented in CD, 150-gram vinyl and digital formats, along with a 100-page book.

“It’s a cool thing,” he says of the overall package, which he points out was conceived and pitched to him by Legacy Recordings. “I think my fans will enjoy having a replica of my accordion as part of their record collection.

“Vinyl has made a dramatic comeback and this collection will see the first vinyl release of six of my albums. For the vinyl junkies and the hipsters and the audiophiles, that’s going to be a nice treat. Whatever format you want, Legacy’s got you covered.”

And, of course, for the bowlingphiles who are silently comparing the three album formats to the evolution of cover stocks, as I am, it’s the perfect time to review Yankovic’s predilection for including bowling so often in his lyrics. To name just a few instances, he found himself bowling on the Starship Enterprise in “Stuck in a Closet with Vanna White,” he played on the company bowling team in “The Weird Al Show Theme,” he included his bowling ball as one of a select few items necessary for a plane ride in “Albuquerque,” did a little bowling in “Bedrock Anthem,” said he was about as sharp as a bowling ball in “Genius in France” and compared the depths of his desolation to dropping a two-ton bowling ball on his toes in “Since You’ve Been Gone.”

This is nowhere near an exhaustive list. Fans of Yankovic know of his tendency to refer to certain things frequently, such as the number 27 or the name Bernie, but bowling has, even among his most devoted fans, remained underrated even in this sense. Not to Yankovic, though.

“It’s kind of one of those touchstones,” he says, putting it on the same level as his other refrains, “and every now and then I’ll make a reference to it.”

In the song and music video for “Living With a Hernia,” Yankovic describes the numerous difficulties he faces with his hernia, including how he “Can’t play tennis / and it’s hard to bowl.” In the video, we see one of the earliest examples of two-handed bowling. Yankovic, dressed as James Brown (bowling fans may see a little Ernie Schlegel in there as well), attempts to bowl with a hernia. If you haven’t seen it, you owe yourself a trip to YouTube.

When I mention this footage to him, it seems as if I’m reminding him of its existence for a moment before he laughs and fondly recalls that particular video shoot. I ask him to expound on the experience of directing and shooting his videos, and his insight sounds dangerously close to a game of bowling.

“It’s a lot of fun,” he begins, “but it’s not like a non-stop party, because especially when I’m directing, I have to be very focused. Sometimes, it’s hard to enjoy it at the time because I’m so focused on getting the job done. I don’t realize until later, ‘Oh yeah, that was really fun.’”

Fun is a recurring theme with Yankovic and typically the context into which he calls upon bowling. In his widely acclaimed live show, the audience is treated to non-stop entertainment from start to finish.

“I like to bombard people with fun,” he says. “The live shows have gotten bigger and better and more theatrical and we try to make it fairly relentless. There are a lot of costume changes, and to accommodate that, we also have film clips. If it takes us a minute and 27 seconds to get into costume, we make sure the film clip is only a couple seconds longer than that. We try to keep it moving quickly and make sure there’s never a dull moment on stage.”

Fun With Reverence

In Weird Al: The Book, author Nathan Rabin writes, “Children who bought Al’s albums for the hits risked accidentally picking up a broad-ranging musical education in artists, songs and styles they might never otherwise have been exposed to. If they weren’t careful, they just might learn something.”

Yankovic is best known for his parodies, like “Eat It,” “Fat,” “Amish Paradise,” “Tacky” and “Word Crimes,” to name several I haven’t already named, but approximately half his catalog consists of original songs. Of those, the majority are what Yankovic calls style parodies, or pastiches, in which he harnesses the crux of an artist and writes an original song in that style.

A fan who likes Yankovic’s “Wanna B Ur Lovr” may be well served to check out Beck’s Midnite Vultures album. “Craigslist,” an homage to The Doors, actually features late Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek on the track. “First World Problems,” from Mandatory Fun, could easily pass for a Pixies song.

Yankovic isn’t making fun of any of those bands; he’s having fun with them. Paying tribute to artists he respects. The same is the case every time he name-checks bowling in his lyrics.

Much of Yankovic’s humor accomplishes the skillful task of laughing at something while simultaneously respecting it. If there were ever a topic ripe for fun and reverence, wouldn’t it be bowling?

I inquire first about his work, which leads us, as everything in life seems to do, to bowling.

“If I have any kind of message or subtext to my work,” he says, “it’s that people need to just lighten up a little bit and have fun and not take everything so seriously. I think that translates into people being able to laugh at something while at the same time revering it. I’m a huge Star Wars fan, but I’ve done two Star Wars parodies and that comes from a place of love.

“The same could be applied to bowling. I’ve made all these bowling references in my songs not because I have anything against bowling, certainly. It’s been a big part of my childhood, it’s been sort of a touchstone in my life and it’s a bit of a tribute.”

Nobody captures the essence of popular culture—and then skewers it—better than “Weird Al” Yankovic. To understand bowling’s influence on his career, sometimes blatant and often subtle, is to get a glimpse at bowling’s important, even if understated, influence on pop culture.

To close, I’d like to expand on that point a little more. Or maybe I’ll go bowling. Or I just might go bowling….

17 Reasons to Care About 2017

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2017

As year-end countdowns satisfy our need for short-term nostalgia while simultaneously padding the bank accounts of internet click baiters, The One Board introduces the year-start countup. 2017 will undoubtedly be a year of intrigue, excitement and history. For the sake of continuity, here are 17 reasons why. For the sake of reality, all 17 involve bowling.

  1. Quebec City’s François Lavoie is named 2016 PBA Rookie of the Year, raising tensions along the Ontario/Quebec border, with residents of the former lamenting the lack of acknowledgment for Guelph native and ROY runner-up, Graham Fach. We don’t know the outcome of the skirmish, but we can be certain it will be decided by some kind of rolloff.
  2. Anthony Simonsen qualifies for two of the three major telecasts in February, winning one of them. He will then be declared the runaway lock to win PBA Player of the Year despite 10 months remaining in the season. Eventually, the talk will turn to one or two players who have quietly put together strong seasons and “Just need a major and another title at the World Series” to claim POY honors.
  3. Randy Pedersen becomes one of Yelp’s top users when he gives bad reviews to every restaurant that serves him steak and potatoes when all he asked for was a burger and fries.
  4. Economists reverse their long-held stance on supply and demand, releasing new information that in order to increase demand, one must simply increase supply.
  5. An immeasurable number of people are referred to as great guys.
  6. Pete Weber and Walter Ray Williams, Jr., both tired of the hype around who earns overall PBA title 100 first, pair up for the Roth/Holman Doubles event. They lose in the championship match.
  7. Major League Baseball begins defining a sell out as, “Each team fields a complete starting lineup of nine players.” Every game is a sellout.
  8. League season ends in April and bowlers all over the world experience serious withdrawals. Some cope by entering summer leagues, others cope by spending time with their loved ones and the rest cope by throwing their equipment in the nearest body of water and vowing never to bowl again.
  9. In August, pro-shop owners are inundated with customers who, a few months prior, chucked all their equipment in the river and vowed never to bowl again. Pro-shop owners are grateful for the opportunity.
  10. Lane conditions become completely fair and unchanging on both sides of the lane for all types of players, who become dissatisfied with no longer having to adjust from shot to shot.
  11. The PBA50’s Matrix of Fairness will be honed to a level so fair, there will be a 24-way tie for first place at an event in late summer.
  12. At some point during the year, you will carry a terrible shot for a strike. Bask in it as if you deserve it, because your bad breaks will assuredly outnumber the good ones.
  13. A new bowling ball will be released that is clean through the heads, picks up in the midlane and hits hard in the backend.
  14. Jason Belmonte proclaims about Tom Daugherty, “He can’t beat me in a televised exhibition match,” requiring the two players to have a once-and-for-all battle to determine who can’t beat whom. They tie.
  15. Enough Europeans win PBA Tour titles that “18 and 36 125ths meters to success” becomes a popular catch phrase.
  16. Bowling history is made at the U.S. Open when the winner admits to not taking it one shot at a time. “I took it several shots at a time,” he says. “I got so far ahead of myself, I imagined flying home with the trophy. Before I knew it, I really was flying home with the trophy.”
  17. The 2017 end-of-year countdown will prove 12 of the above 16 items false.

Happy New Year, bowlers and bowling fans.

Refuting a Tired Anti-Bowling Argument

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, December, 2016

League night. The shots are rolling, the beers are flowing and the perceived value of the camaraderie increases with each fresh pitcher. While there are some exceptions, rec-league bowling, for the most part, involves alcohol. Warranted or not, the general public associates beer with bowling, largely because they only bowl a couple times a year and drink while doing so, leading some make the misguided claim that bowling isn’t a sport simply because one can drink while playing it.

For all the arguments the ignorant masses make against bowling, this is potentially the most baseless.

We will not devolve into a discussion as to whether or not anyone should drink while bowling. We will merely explore the fact that many do, and how such an act has nothing to do with whether or not bowling, or anything, is a sport.

Fine, so league bowlers drink. Recreational, once-a-year bowlers drink. Some competitors at alcohol-friendly amateur tournaments drink. That means bowling’s not a sport?

Go to a rec-league softball game. Guess what you’ll find, aside from hilariously short shorts, yellow shirts that used to be white and tattered gloves manufactured in 1964? Beer. And recreational softball is to professional baseball what house-pattern recreational bowling is to professional bowlers on a flat pattern. Does a group of 40-year-old men guzzling beers between at-bats mean softball and/or baseball is not a sport?

Baseball is slow, so maybe you don’t think that’s a sport, either. How about hockey? Based on hearsay and conjecture, professional athletes in all sports generally acknowledge hockey players as the best overall athletes. Thus, it would take the argument of a lifetime to prove hockey wasn’t a sport.

And, while your local ice rink is seeking teams to join what they call adult hockey leagues, we all know what those weekly sessions are really called: beer leagues. Because there is beer everywhere. The playing surface doubles as a chilling agent, and many teams value their players on beer-bringing ability more than hockey skills. A case of beer is far more important than a goal or an assist.

With each sandy sip by a recreational beach-volleyball player, under-the-table drink by a ping-pong player and unabashed guzzle by a kayaker, we’re reminded every single sport can be played while drinking. It can’t be played as well, but it can be played.

There is a distinction here inherent to most sports but not nearly as apparent as it should be in bowling: Recreational leagues are vastly different from professional leagues. Jordan Spieth is not sneaking in a shot before taking a shot at Augusta. Alex Ovechkin is not sloshed at center ice, Russell Wilson is only blitzed by aggressive defenses and whoever the current basketball star is only dribbles on the court with his hands. Likewise, no professional bowler is stumbling into the gutter during professional competition. Not due to inebriation, anyway. If it happens, blame the humidity.

To excel at the highest levels of sports, athletes need to be sober (not counting a surplus of human-growth hormone, of course) while competing. To simply play sports for fun, however, sobriety is not a requirement, and whether or not one can or should drink while doing something is not a factor at all in whether or not that activity is a sport.

Bowling, just like any other sport, has different levels of skill and importance. Bowling, just like any other sport, can be played while drinking, but athletes who care about their performances refrain from drinking while playing.

It’s not a sport if you can drink while playing it? Then there are no sports.