This first installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2016
We’ve all heard it. Most of us have said it. Some of us say it with a twinge of uneasiness, but not enough to stop ourselves. It’s time we eliminate the apprehension and, once and for all, solve the unsolvable.
No, we’re not going to divide by zero, travel through time or throw a perfect game on the Bear pattern without a single Brooklyn. We’re going to answer the question that’s plagued bowling for ages: are you bowling good or bowling well?
In reality, most of us are doing neither. We’re bowling badly. But that’s another debate for another time, even if grammar enthusiasts may have noticed the answer right here in this paragraph.
The distinction between bowling good and bowling well is not the same as between doing good and doing well. Both latter phrases can be correct, but have totally different meanings. You’re either doing good things or doing things well. If you’re a true saint, you’re doing good things well.
Grammatically speaking, the answer is clear and has no room for deviation. You are bowling well. To use boring jargon most American students don’t realize exists until they take a foreign-language class in high school, when you want to describe how you’re bowling (a verb), you need to use an adverb, as that is the part of speech that modifies the verb. “Well” can be used as an adverb, whereas “Good” is most commonly used as an adjective, which is a word that describes a noun. That is, you are a good bowler, which is why it’s no surprise to see you bowling well.
It’s definitive, unrelenting and absolute: according to grammar, “Bowling well” is the proper phrase.
To end the discussion here, though, would slap not just the entire bowling community in the face, but would also throw shade (new bowling-ball name?) at most sports, particularly when played at the highest levels.
The prevalence of “bowling good” is not because bowlers as a whole don’t know what’s grammatically correct, but because it has become ingrained in the culture of the sport, as it also has in so many others. And, if you spend enough time with the best players in the world, you will notice many of them will use the phrase “bowling well” in normal conversation, but in wishing each other well prior to bowling a block, they will almost always say, “Bowl good.”
There’s a certain camaraderie to telling someone to bowl good prior to a block. It shows you’re part of the community of bowlers. You know the vernacular. And, perhaps most important, you’re wishing someone else well, even if you secretly believe the absolute opposite.
Encouragement is positive in almost all cases (the exception being participation trophies—“Hey, kid, congratulations on your mom having a driver’s license and getting you to the game every week”), and if “Bowl good” can supply encouragement from bowler to bowler, then its grammatical fallacies have to carry less weight.
So, then, what’s the answer? We were going to solve the unsolvable here, right? You can say either phrase to a bowler and not be chastised, although you sound less like an outsider if you choose well, which is to say you choose good. Bowling isn’t confusing at all.
The hybrid answer that can get us out of this mess is fairly simple, and despite not being as definitive as we’d like, might please grammarians and bowlers alike. In normal conversation, we will say, “Bowl well,” but in wishing others well, we will say, “Bowl good,” and we will not chastise anyone for accidentally deviating from this decree.
If that’s not decisive enough for you, the only true answer to this question is to stop wishing people well. Or good. Wish them nothing. Prior to a block, simply say to everyone you pass, “Bowl.”
Or, do what I do and avoid the question altogether. “Have fun” seems to work.