Author: internetbowlingpersonality

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, March, 2018

During any random day in any random bowling center at a very specific time (that being during open bowling), sociology enthusiasts can bear witness to the ridiculous resentment between two types of bowlers: those who take it seriously and those who don’t.

Or, rephrased from each opposing side, those who take it too seriously and those who don’t respect the game.

Because it’s open bowling, all levels of skill and passion are welcome. Tiny children rolling bowling balls down those weird dinosaur ramps and then running back to their parents without any care for the pinfall, having accomplished their goal of rolling the ball down the dinosaur’s back, can be placed right next to a highly competitive five-person team tuning up for their annual USBC Open trip.

Teens trying to impress their friends with how fast they can hurl a 6-pound ball down the lane can find themselves adjacent to a pro who rolls a 16-pound ball 20 miles per hour with 600 revolutions on it, which is objectively far more impressive.

One group is there to have fun while the other is there to get better. That’s not to say the fun group can’t accidentally get better or the serious group can’t accidentally have fun, but those are not their respective primary objectives.

Because of that, the groups resent each other.

While the serious group practices and attempts to work on a certain aspect of the game, they generally don’t want a hoard of screaming college kids to the right, rolling several balls simultaneously, at least two of which hit the rack, leading to one of the kids nonchalantly walking down to get the ball and collapsing on his face, lying there in hyperbolic laughter until an employee has to forcibly rectify the situation. While there is a bit of schadenfreude in it for the serious bowlers in the knowledge that kid will likely have elbow problems the rest of his life, it’s still not ideal.

Likewise, the screaming college kids don’t want some guy who isn’t even keeping score nearby, as the kids’ inherent decorum might force a twinge of necessity to not be as big of a spectacle as they’d like to be, thereby limiting their fun.

Even if that twinge exists, the guy practicing doesn’t perceive it, thereby loathing the lack of respect shown by the fun lovers.

Of course, proprietors want them all (assuming the fun group isn’t destructive). Everyone pays the same, although the serious players are more likely to have access to a discounted rate, and bowling-center staff will do their best to keep these groups separate, if open lanes allow it, as it maximizes the experiences for both groups.

Since most readers of this publication fall into the serious group, we can get introspective here. Some of us are completely immune to all of it, maybe even thriving off the distractions as an attempt to hone focus.

Others expect four-year-old birthday celebrants to have a deep understanding of one-pair courtesy and how last night’s rain will impact their pushaways.

Most of us fall between those extremes, possessing a ranking scale, even if subconscious, of what is tolerable and what isn’t. Perhaps a family bowling together and having fun is unobjectionable, but it becomes irksome when they begin rolling the ball between each other’s legs. Maybe it takes a little more to irritate you, such as a foul-line photo shoot, with teenagers loitering endlessly on the approach. Possibly, you need to witness blatant disrespect or obliteration of equipment to be annoyed.

The only thing of which we can be certain is that all the while, those fun-loving friends wish they could stay ahead of the moves like us. Their envy is more powerful than any of our irascibilities, and that is why practice is fun.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, February, 2018

I have the privilege of spending a lot of time around the best bowlers in the known universe, getting an extremely close look at what it takes to compete at the highest level. We can all marvel at their bowling skills—even though we could be that good too if we only had free equipment to use on fair lane conditions in a humidity-controlled environment—but this month, let’s delve into some of the lesser-known skills at which these athletes excel.

Handshakes

Almost without exception, bowlers have extremely strong handshakes. This shouldn’t surprise anyone, as it takes a strong hand to repeatedly hurl 15-pound objects. That’s not all there is to it, though, as lefties also share the strong-handshake ability. It could be as simple as a sturdy handshake being an important thing in real life, and bowlers as a whole understanding that. Or, it could be yet another way for them to compete with each other.

More than merely wielding strong handshakes, bowlers are particularly proud of that fact. Because of that, I’m not going to name even one of the best, because if I do, several other contenders will take offense, fool me into shaking their hands, then not release their grips until I either concede they are the strongest or until they crush my hand, whichever comes second.

Lack of Hand Vanity

Writing of hands, bowlers will mutilate theirs beyond belief to win a tournament. The downside to the ever-important “more games” is the absurd beating a bowler’s hand takes from constantly propelling a ball down the lane. Cuts, scratches, rips, gaping wounds—who cares? Put some tape on it and keep playing.

“I was a manicurist for 40 years,” says a fictional person who may as well be real. “I quit the moment a bowler walked in.”

For a bowler, winning the tournament is always prioritized over prehensile beauty.

Superstition Escalation

Bowlers, like many athletes, are prone to being superstitious, but what’s become even more impressive is the escalation of those superstitions. For instance, a particular bowler had a superstition that required him to sit in the same seat between shots when he was bowling well. When he stopped bowling well, he had to change seats.

One day, he was struggling, so he changed seats, then immediately rolled his best shot of the game. His original superstition called for him to remain in the new seat. However, another thought crept into his head: maybe it’s not the actual seat, but the fact I changed seats.

The bowler was then trapped in preposterousness as he tried to determine whether or not he should change seats again before his next shot, which meant he wasn’t thinking about what he should be doing on the approach. He did not strike on his next shot.

Projecting Hypothetical Math

One of the best places to be at a bowling tournament is near the scoreboards when a cut is about to be made. As many people as possible—ball reps, players who have finished, fans—crowd around the scoreboard, shouting numbers at each other.

Every sentence begins with, “If,” because what one guy does in the 10^th frame only matters if what a different guy did in the ninth frame was one of three things, dependent on whether a third guy converted a split in the eighth, all factored against any potential ties from an earlier squad. And, because everyone processes math a little differently (and most do so out loud), people often think they’re disagreeing with each other when they’re actually saying the same thing amid the incomprehensible rabble.

In the end, everybody’s right. The end, of course, is when the official scores are posted. At that point, everyone can claim to have known all along. No one can be refuted, because blame is easy to place. “Oh, I got bad info on that guy,” or, “I couldn’t see Rash was shooting a perfect game 90 lanes from here.”

Then, the crowd moves from the scoreboards to a neutral pair of lanes for the inevitable rolloff.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2018

In the second annual The One Board year-start countup, we prognosticate 18 bowling-related events that will make 2018 a year worth living. At the end of the year, we’ll look back on these items and be shocked at the realization three of them actually came true.

1. Jason Belmonte wins the PBA Tournament of Champions, trying him with Earl Anthony and Pete Weber for most career major titles with 10.
2. Scores of media show up for the Players Championship to witness record-breaking history, but Belmonte finishes third. That’s okay, because everyone knows he will win the USBC Masters in April, so the media all turn up to that as well for another chance at history.
3. Some guy no one has ever heard of wins the Masters. He takes his trophy back to the remote wilderness of the Northwest Territories and is never seen again.
4. Las Vegas sets the over/under at nine seconds on how long it will take someone to mention Chris Barnes’ thriftiness during the Hall of Fame ceremony. No one takes the under and Las Vegas goes out of business.
5. The hottest song of the summer is “Pin Placement” by Positive Axis Point, a new pop trio hailing from Ecuador, Kenya and Indonesia.
6. EJ Tackett wins every single Xtra Frame Tour event over the summer and his second consecutive Storm Cup. The Player of the Year race comes down to Tackett and that guy who wins the Masters. Tackett wins.
7. Jesper Svensson’s first right-arm tattoo is an actual-size depiction of a piece of kinesiology tape. After whichever brand he tattoos doesn’t renew their product-registration agreement, Svensson ironically has to tape over his tape tattoo whenever he makes a show. He makes every show.
8. As World Bowling scoring catches on in bowling, so does traditional bowling scoring in other sports. Baseball teams that score runs in the first inning now have to wait to see how they do in the second and third innings to determine exactly what their first inning was worth.
9. For the 60^th consecutive year, an immeasurable number of people are referred to as great guys.
10. Someone definitively proves how something being too easy is a legitimate excuse for failure.
11. Several intra-bowling romantic relationships struggle because of trust issues. It’s not because the bowlers can’t trust each other, but rather because they can’t trust anything or anyone more than they trust “the process.”
12. Someone designs a tournament that is simultaneously a carry contest and a grind, a marathon and a sprint, a leftyfest and a lefties-locked-outfest, match play and no match play, a simple and convoluted format, and does so while maintaining integrity. No one complains.
13. Albuquerque emerges as the new live-streaming hotbed. Not sure where they get their equipment.
14. “Some guy named (insert undeniably legendary bowler’s name here)” finally becomes cute. Then immediately stops being cute again.
15. In October, during an important MLB playoff game, the baseball players rush to the locker room between at-bats to check in on C-squad qualifying scores from the U.S. Open.
16. Belmonte wins the U.S. Open, breaking the record for most majors and collecting the one major he hasn’t yet won, joining Mike Aulby as the only two players to have won all five. The media, still smarting over two failed attempts earlier in the year, don’t attend and no one hears about it.
17. Lamenting the lack of media attention, the PBA retroactively credits Don Carter with major championships for his World Invitational titles, tying him with Belmonte at 11. This gives Belmonte a chance to break the all-time record, again, at the PBA World Championship. Throngs of media show up. Instead of winning his 12^th, Belmonte finishes 12^th.
18. Pete Weber wins the World Championship at age 56, giving him 11 major titles and creating a three-way tie for the record. The PBA statistician quits and moves deeper into the woods than that guy who wins the Masters.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, December, 2017

If you’ve ever been able to force yourself to watch a movie or TV show even though they’re not aired live, and if the production involved bowling, you may have noticed a disproportionate number of the strikes shown are Brooklyns. The characters on screen react as if they’ve thrown great shots, but you’re at home ridiculing the idiot for cheering a Brooklyn, because as we all know, some strikes are better than others, even if they all count the same (unless it’s a fill ball, of course).

Have you ever wondered why there are so few quality strikes in fictional works? Is it because actors aren’t as good as real bowlers (they aren’t, but that’s not why)? Is it because producers and directors don’t care about real bowlers (mostly but not completely true, but that’s also not why)? Is it because directors and editors think a Brooklyn shot is more aesthetically pleasing (I hope not)? Today, we expose Hollywood’s bowling secrets.

The actors aren’t really throwing the shots.

This is probably obvious, but necessary to clarify, as we in the bowling industry typically jump right into differential calculus without first teaching someone how to add. The movie predictably shows the actor making the approach and releasing the ball, then cuts to a shot of the ball hitting the pins, then cuts back to the actor reacting to whatever the scripted result is. The ball that hits the pins is usually thrown by a real bowler (or, in Internet Movie Database terminology, a stunt bowler, bowling consultant, bowling advisor or miscellaneous crew member).

So, while a non-bowling actor might be more likely to throw a Brooklyn strike than a true bowler, this is not the reason we see so many crossovers, because the actors aren’t actually rolling the shots.

Shouldn’t a real bowler be able to hit the pocket?

Unlike professional bowling tournaments, the stunt bowler does not get 368 minutes of practice before the actual event begins, so his first shot is a bit of a guess. Also, and this is more important: there is no oil on the lanes. Generally, this is a surprise to the stunt bowler.

A movie production involves a massive conglomerate of human beings and heavy equipment, all of which need to be able to move about the set. When the set is a bowling center, they need to strip the lanes of the oil to avoid several personal-injury lawsuits. When the stunt bowler rolls his best guess of a first shot, then hits no oil, the ball is going to pick up fairly early and striking on either side of the pocket is quite an impressive feat. Thankfully, the crew usually doesn’t know enough about bowling to scream “Joke!” as the stunt bowler lofts the ball 30 feet down the lane in order to find the pocket.

Generally, the director is a bowling novice and naïve enough to think a strike is a strike. So, when the stunt bowler crosses over for a Brooklyn, the director is ecstatic. He got the strike he needed and can move on to the next scene, saving a lot of money for his bosses. The unnecessarily embarrassed stunt bowler can protest all he wants, but the director doesn’t care.

In the captivating world of Hollywood, actors don’t throw the shots, a lack of oil means real bowlers have a more difficult time finding the pocket, the director takes the first strike he sees and calls it a day, and that is why we see so many Brooklyn strikes in movies and TV shows.

It’s not all bad, though. If you’re ever feeling down about the lack of good shots thrown on TV or in movies, skip to the final homonymous shot, both of the movie and on the lanes, of The Big Lebowski, and thank Barry Asher for packing the pocket.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, November, 2017

I bowled my first 300 game was when I was eight years old. I was the youngest to ever do it, but still haven’t been given credit. I think I’m right behind Glenn Allison on the review list. My brother and I rode our bikes to the bowling alley (they were still called alleys at the time) and I achieved perfection with a 10-pound house ball and ill-fitting rental shoes. My brother can vouch for me. I’d show you the manual score sheet, but I think it blew away on the ride home. That or we used it to clean up a mess of melted cheese. Because it was during open bowling, it wasn’t sanctioned, but the local paper did a story on me. Of course, that was the day of the fateful printing-press fire that prevented that edition from ever going out.

My next 300 game came in league. I was pre-bowling in a near-empty bowling center. There was only one person working that day, and he wasn’t paying much attention to me. As he printed the scores to put into the league file, he noticed my incredible score and asked why seven of the strikes were highlighted. Bad scoring unit, I told him. Kept counting my strikes as nines, forcing me to manually change them to strikes. Obviously.

After that, I rolled a 300 in a no-tap event. It was extremely aggravating, because all 12 were real strikes. Even those who were with me won’t give me credit for it, despite personally witnessing me roll 12 real strikes. No one else even accomplished perfection with no-tap allowances, and yet they wouldn’t give me my proper due for bowling a real 300 game. Trust me, though. I did it.

Fueled by the lack of adoration I was getting, I went on a streak of bowling at least one perfect game a week during open bowling, occasionally putting up a couple perfectos at cosmic bowling, just to show the kids how it’s done. None of that was sanctioned, but I’m not in it for the awards. I know in my heart I did it. And I’m sure those kids are still telling their friends about the time some guy next to them struck repeatedly under the disco ball.

I’m not always perfect; I’ve also intentionally given up several would-have-been perfect games. Once, I accidentally bowled my 11^th shot on the wrong lane. Even though I struck, some rules stickler who happened to be there told me I had to re-bowl the shot on the correct lane. I was so angry at his interference, I intentionally chucked it in the gutter just so he wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing a perfect game. I then went to the bowling center across town and struck 12 times in 12 tries.

Several other instances, after I get the first 11 strikes, which admittedly happens every game, I intentionally pick off a certain number of pins. I’ve bowled every possible 290 score at least a dozen times, always during open bowling with no witnesses, because, again, I don’t care about the accolades. Because I’m so humble, I now make it a rule to never bowl an honor score when anyone is looking. Fanfare would make me uncomfortable.

Recently, I broke that rule: I bowled four consecutive 900 series during open bowling one Saturday. 144 strikes in a row. Some would say that’s gross.

After my 144^th strike, I packed up my single bowling ball and walked toward the door. People hollered after me, “Don’t you want to see how many more you can throw?”

“Roll,” I corrected. “Not throw.”

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, October, 2017

Bowlers will never be known as complainers. They always look at the positive side of any situation and are constantly focusing on the good things that happen to them rather than the bad. This is amazing, because there are so many forces conspiring against bowlers, it’s hard to believe bowling is possible at all.

Humidity

Modern bowling shoes are built to combat changing conditions on the approaches, allowing bowlers to replicate their comfortable slide whether someone slathered cooking oil on the approach or spilled soda on it seven hours ago, which has now dried into a disgusting pile of what might as well be sap.

Did it rain last night? Has it not rained in a year? Will it rain later today? Does it feel like it should be raining but it isn’t?

Constant humidity changes, especially on synthetic approaches with moisture-retaining smaller, shallower pores or, if you ask a different expert, wood approaches that naturally absorb moisture, directly impact the comfort level of the bowler. The intrusion into a bowler’s comfort and confidence is far more detrimental than the actual physical difficulties encountered by having to adjust slide pads or change one’s entire approach.

Often, the most valuable player at a bowling tournament is the HVAC mechanic.

Lights and Shadows

The house lights themselves aren’t bad, as bowlers need those to help them see, but when you start adding complementary illumination to the environment, not only are you installing something for bowlers to avoid looking at, but you also create shadows. And shadows can move.

A bowler on the approach with a light behind him is prone to seeing shadows change on the approach as people wander about in the background. An extra light might reflect off one of the 50 non-distracting-but-always-moving bowlers and objects in the bowling center, creating a surprising twinkle over a player’s target line, only to be eclipsed by a shadow from behind, resulting in the bowler missing by an arrow and crossing over for a Brooklyn strike. This, justifiably, is rage-inducing despite being the best possible score in a single bowling shot.

This isn’t even taking into account the immense heat an LED light, like those occasionally used by Xtra Frame, gives off. (Scientist’s note: LED lights do not emit heat.)

When we get into TV lights, there’s truly no hope for a bowler. Brighter than the sun, these lights have either been proven or disproven, depending on whom you ask, to affect the oil, completely changing or not changing the playing environment. With only 15 minutes of practice prior to the show, there’s barely time to adapt one’s eyes, let alone learn how to play the lanes.

Good Breaks

Sure, bowlers secretly enjoy good breaks, but they add more mental turmoil than the 11 pins they’re worth. Bowlers aren’t allowed to be happy with good breaks; humble acceptance is the closest emotion they’re permitted to show.

If you win with a good break, you get less credit for the win. “Oh, he only won because of his lucky carry, or his Brooklyn, or his opponent’s stone 8.”

Never mind if the lucky carry was in one frame during a 70-pin blowout win, or a Brooklyn at the front of a nine-bagger, or an opponent’s bad break on a fill ball after the match was decided in the eighth. A good break stains your glory.

Plus, if all things even out, a good break means there’s a bad break coming soon, and if you get lucky in a supremely important spot, you’re guaranteed to be unlucky in another important spot in the future.

Nothing at all, aside from imminent doom, can come from a good break. Fans of irony, rejoice: a good break is actually the worst break a bowler can get.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, September, 2017

One of the most common arguments against bowling fandom, coming from those who don’t watch professional bowling, is that bowling is too easy. All you have to do is a throw a ball 18.288 meters and knock down 10 pins. Anybody can do that. Right?

To anyone who’s bowled even a few times, that argument holds no merit. Bowling sometimes looks easy when the pros do it, and while it is possible for anyone of any skill level to throw a strike (or even a few in a row), only some can understand what it takes and only the best can sustain that performance, especially on the difficult lane conditions confronting professionals.

Some bowlers and bowling fans will go back at the detractors and say, “If only you understood how good these pros really are, you’d like it.”

Unfortunately, telling people what they should like usually doesn’t work.

Yes, it would be nice if everyone understood the incredible talent level of the best bowlers in the world. However, we’re not going to hook any new fans with the if-you-only-understood-how-good-they-are argument. That’s like suggesting your local CPA firm would have a crowd of onlookers cramming into the hallways and cubicles because word got out they’re the best CPA firm in the world.

“Hey, let’s go downtown and watch the CPAs do taxes,” says Warren, an avid CPA fan.

“Why would I want to do that?” says Warren’s friend. “It’s just math. Anybody can do it. It’s easy.”

“You don’t understand. It’s not just math. They have to know each person’s specific situation, adjust to the tax laws and use the best strategy to get the maximum refund.”

People, for the most part, are not going to be drawn into something simply because they’re told it’s highly complicated and difficult. In fact, studies show complications and difficulties are the two leading causes of quitting anything.

Bowling is Difficult

There’s one thing that may be more challenging than bowling: a bowler trying to explain to a non-bowler how difficult bowling is.

If you’re a bowler, at least two of the following are true: (1) you’re married to or dating a bowler; (2) you have the number 300 or 900 in your social-media handles; (3) you can easily talk over the heads of the general public with intricate knowledge of cover stocks, cores, layouts, thumb tape, oil patterns, adjustments, topography, deliveries, fairness, speed, angles, surface, shine, forward rolls, axis tilts, kinesiology, oil viscosity, humidity, hypothetical situations and putting it all together, completely synchronized, on the way to a perfect game.

This is all fine amid wonderful bowling nomenclature, but a potential new fan can’t be attracted to all this until that person has a very basic understanding and genuine interest in the act of knocking down 10 pins.

Go Bowling

Why not take someone bowling? Instead of explaining how difficult it is, take a friend and go have fun playing the game. Your friend will naturally start asking you questions. How do you hook it like that? Why did you make the guy put us on two lanes instead of one? Why did you bring 48 bowling balls when there are racks full of them here already? Why didn’t you tell me not to step past the foul line?

Your friend—just as you did once upon a time—will gradually come around at his own pace. He will start to learn about oil, experiment with different drilling layouts and lament the fact it rained last night. Soon enough, he’ll know how difficult bowling is. Your friend, thanks to you taking him bowling, is luring himself into the never-ending learning opportunity that is bowling.