Category: Bowlers Journal International

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, October, 2019

Anyone who has ever held a video camera (or cell phone, which is strangely named after the least-used feature of the device) in a bowling center has been accused of being a jinx. Anyone who has ever had the front nine, 10 or 11 strikes before failing has accused someone with a camera of being a jinx.

The cameraman jinx accusations are most rampant at the top levels of the sport—the PBA and PWBA—in which human beings are employed to capture footage of the best players in the world performing at their best.

Bowling fans and even casual sports fans like to see the 10^th frame of a perfect game. Video people like to capture good content, particularly since their job is to create good content fans want to see. Hence, a person with a camera hits record as a player steps up in the 10^th, three strikes from perfection. Everyone involved wants to see those three strikes.

The video person, fully knowledgeable of the potentially looming jinx-related allegations, tries to be covert as he approaches the player, even if every step yields another kindhearted joke from a fan about how this poor schlub is going to ruin a perfect game.

The player strikes on the first shot in the 10^th. He walks back to the ball return, glancing up ever so briefly but long enough to catch a glimpse of the cameraman. The player’s eyes immediately dart away, but he knows the camera is there. Worse, the cameraman now knows the bowler knows he’s there. On the 11^th shot, the player rolls his best attempt of the day but leaves a devastating stone 8. Next: blame the now divagating cameraman, who is already being showered with boos by the surrounding fans (many of whom, by the way, were also recording the final frame on their video cameras that can make phone calls).

Formerly, my argument against the asinine cameraman jinx was simple: there are no jinxes. It’s just that it’s harder to roll 10 strikes in a row than nine, 11 than 10 and 12 than 11.

Now, though, I know better. It is a jinx. However, it’s not a cameraman jinx; it’s a bowler jinx. It happens when the bowler glances—even for a microsecond—into the camera lens.

The innocent cameraman is trying to give bowling fans some excitement. He wants nothing more than to capture a perfect game by one of the best players in existence, then share that perfect game with bowling fans all over the world, spreading joy and cheer to those who couldn’t be there in person as well as a chance to relive the moment for those who were there.

Then, just as the cameraman is about to complete his masterpiece, the bowler stumbles over himself, throws a terrible shot and leaves a 3-6-10 for a 297, completely ruining the cameraman’s day because, as we all know, 297 is the worst score a bowler can post after rolling the first 11 strikes. 299 at least comes with excitement and hope until the bitter end of the shot. 298 is pretty boring as no one wants to look at an 8-count in any situation. 296 is usually a hilariously bad shot that took all the drama out of the result by the time the ball reached the arrows. 295 and below is simply hysterical as well as notable for its rarity. But 297 is atrocious, and now this poor cameraman has footage of it, all because the bowler jinxed him and refused to roll that last strike.

If the bowler hadn’t been there, surely the cameraman would’ve been able to capture the 300.

Bowlers: please stop jinxing cameramen. All they want to do is see you roll 300. Don’t glance at their cameras. Trust the process, take it one shot at a time and, for the love of thumb-tape adjustments, please strike 12 times in a row.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, September, 2019

It’s time all schools finally incorporate the great sport of bowling into the classroom. Introductory physics classes address things like force (which equals mass times acceleration), momentum (mass times velocity) and friction (a more complicated but equally invigorating formula), but students are never given real-life examples and thus don’t retain the information as well as they otherwise could.

Currently, students are being asked things like: how long will it take this non-descript, two-dimensional square, traveling at 3 meters per second along another indecipherable surface with a coefficient of friction of .5, to come to a complete stop?

Who cares?

Nobody can relate to that. Schools need to start using real-world examples. Instead of two-dimensional squares, let’s use three-dimensional spheres. Instead of indecipherable surfaces with consistent friction, let’s use 60 feet of high-pressure laminate, otherwise known as HPL. Oh, and let’s pile some oil—of varying volumes—on top of those 60 feet, changing the coefficient of friction throughout the entire distance. And, instead of the sphere traveling at a consistent speed, let’s make sure it is at its maximum speed right at the beginning, but then decelerates (or negatively accelerates, if you prefer) as it moves over the 60-foot surface with ever-changing friction. Plus, instead of a boring linear-traveling sphere, let’s roll it out to the right at first and watch it turn back to the left as it moves along the surface.

At some point, maybe 34 feet down the HPL, let’s remove the oil altogether, except for a few stray strands that were left behind from the previous class’s example that involved urethane spheres. Getting rid of the oil will suddenly create much more friction while the sphere continues to decelerate.

Still not real enough, we’ll probably need to make this sphere rotate, so let’s assume a 65-degree axis (to keep things simple), around which the ball will rotate 350 times per minute, because for some reason we’re going to measure it by the minute when it really only takes a few seconds to make it all 60 feet.

Thinking further, why limit it to 60 feet? Let’s add another few feet with no defined rule for how long it exactly needs to be, then litter that additional portion (let’s call it a deck) with 10 oddly shaped objects, nine of which are arranged in an equilateral triangle and one of which is in the middle of that triangle, forming several smaller-but-still-equilateral triangles with its neighbors.

Now, we’re finally ready to teach physics. Instead of a tiresome question about a square on a line at a constant speed with constant friction, we come to this question:

How long will it take a 15-pound sphere to travel 60 + x feet, where x equals an undefined distance, while decelerating and being resisted by varying coefficients of friction, spinning 350 times per minute over its own 65-degree axis, then smashing into 10 objects storing potential energy and traveling through and deflecting off those objects based on their respective forces and momentums?

Finally, some relatable content.

Of course, there’s a flaw in the question itself. We shouldn’t be asking how long it will take for the sphere to travel an undefined distance. Rather, we should be asking how many of those objects are going to be knocked down. And, if less than 10, what do we need to change in order to make it 10? The speed of the sphere? The direction? The acceleration at the point of impact? The axis tilt? The revolutions per minute? Don’t even consider changing the HPL or the location of the oil—those are not variables (except when they are).

Students: don’t forget to show your work. The best possible score on your physics test is 300.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, August, 2019

Traditionally, August is the slowest month for bowling. It’s hot, league season ended three months ago and everyone is trying to cram as much summer into their lives as possible before league season begins again in September.

For some, this means digging the three-ball roller out of the basement for the first time since May in the hopes of getting a few practice frames in before they count in September. For others, it’s a wonderful opportunity to get in almost unlimited distraction-free practice as bowling centers typically have more open lanes this time of year.

August is also a time to reflect on our previous season and look ahead to the 2019-2020 league season. What are your goals? Here are a few resolutions we should all make:

Watch More Bowling

To prepare for the upcoming season, why not watch the best in the world ply their trade? Unlike other pro sports that force us to watch months of meaningless games before the finals, bowling only asks us to watch days of meaningless games before the finals. Then, once the finals culminate with an exciting finish, another tournament starts almost immediately.

This year, in the allegedly slow month of August, professional bowling is almost non-stop. There are three PBA50 events, four PWBA events and seven PBA Tour events taking place in August, all of which are being streamed live in their entireties, either on FloBowling or BowlTV. And those are just the professional tours. Other live streams of non-professional events are out there as well as local tournaments you can watch in person.

Watching more bowling will get you excited for your own upcoming season and watching the best in the world might even help improve your game.

Give Humans a Little of the Credit

Even if your league’s average leader has access to more equipment, whether it’s free, discounted or easily afforded by his or her vast net worth, give the human a little credit as well. Just having equipment doesn’t mean automatic success. Knowing which ball to roll and when is a skill. Even if someone’s arsenal is more robust than yours, don’t let resentment ruin your league season. Instead, let your season be ruined by the guy who is never ready when it’s his turn because he has to win another stuffed animal in the crane game.

Be a Part of Being Apart From

Bowlers, particularly those with staff contracts, like to express gratitude on social media. This is good, because people should be grateful for their opportunities. However, too often, bowlers will be grateful for “being apart of such a great company.” We know what they mean, but what they’re actually saying is the opposite, so it’s important to fix this seemingly insignificant grammatical faux pas, even if it’s also a faux pas to use French as part of everyday English (except in Août).

Being a part of a great company is an honor to represent their products. Being apart from a great company is what happens next year when you become a part of a different great company.

Move

When your ball isn’t hitting the pocket or when it is hitting the pocket but not striking, move. If you shot 800 standing in that spot last week it doesn’t mean you should stand there every week. All it means is you were standing in the right spot last week. Find this week’s spot. Even on a house shot, oil moves, different bowlers are on the lanes and things are different from week to week. Being too stubborn means the human with the unlimited equipment will beat you every week.

Have Fun

Believe it: it’s possible to have fun while bowling. While it’s easier to have fun when doing well, it’s conceivable to have fun even when bowling poorly, especially if you’re in a low-to-no-stakes league. There’s no reason to ruin your entire evening because you can’t strike. It’s Crane Game Guy’s job to ruin the evening and he’s doing it flawlessly.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, July, 2019

It’s a well-known fact no bowler has ever gotten a good break, despite the other well-known fact that all bowlers’ opponents—who are also bowlers—have been graced with nothing but good breaks since the inception of the sport. Never mind those statements being mutually exclusive; they’re both true and everyone knows it.

In the interest of public civility, bowlers have come to an unspoken agreement that allows them to silently stew over their own bad breaks and their opponents’ good breaks while publicly attributing all perceived luck as being completely acceptable because “things even out.”

The concept of breaking even is so common in bowling that players enter tournaments only after having done the math to determine where they need to finish in the standings to pay for their lodging, food and other travel expenses. Breaking even is a good thing. Finishing any higher and cashing a larger check is a bonus.

“If I stay in this hotel room for two nights, split the cost with my roommate, eat nothing and finish 30^th, I break even,” says Bowler A. “Things even out.”

Once Bowler A gets to the tournament and makes match play, guaranteeing a 24^th-or-better finish, he has a lead over an opponent in the sixth frame and can gain a nearly insurmountable advantage with a strike in the seventh. He rolls what appears to be a perfect shot, but leaves a devastating stone eight.

After the opponent mounts a bit of a comeback, Bowler A sends a terrible shot down the lane but luckily rolls a 2-pin in the 10^th frame to clinch the victory.

“No, that wasn’t a great shot,” says Bowler A, “but that one in the seventh was the best one I threw all night and that should’ve struck. Things even out.”

Now, consider Bowler B, who qualified third for the stepladder finals. He won all three matches on TV and claimed the title by defeating Bowler C, who led the field by 300 pins into the stepladder finals and fell victim to the have-to-win-the-tournament-twice maxim.

“Yeah, Bowler C probably deserved to win this week,” says Bowler B. “But I led last week and finished second, so this kind of makes up for that. Things even out.”

Fun fact: almost every pro bowler who has won multiple times can tell you immediately how many tournaments he or she led, how many of those he or she won and how many he or she won from any position below first on the stepladder. Things even out.

These types of break-even scenarios are happening all over the bowling center throughout every round of competition.

It starts with eight games from A squad on day one. Then eight more from B squad. Then another eight from C squad. Then an exact copy of day one (aside from the ordering of the squads, of course) on day two. And another exact copy on day three. Throw in a couple more days of match play and the life has been sucked out of everyone within a 100-kilometer radius.

Finally, at the end of the fifth day, we get to the 104^th game of coverage: position round. Eight players still battling for five spots and all bowling right next to each other. The players run out their strikes, yell triumphantly after good shots and make it known to their competitors they are going to earn one of those spots on the TV show. For 10 frames, there are no friends and no pleasantries.

The competition is intense. The action is captivating. The fans are delirious with excitement and their cheers are deafening. This is a true spectacle of a sporting event and it’s all going to come down to the 10^th frame to determine who makes it to the show.

Things almost even out.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, June, 2019

Lost in all the hubbub last month about his TaylorMade P7TW irons with True Temper Dynamic Gold Tour Issue X100 shafts, 9-degree M5 460 driver modified with a Mitsubishi Diamana D+ White Board 73TX shaft, 13-degree M5 3-wood with 83TX shaft, 19-degree M3 5-wood with 83TX shaft, Milled Grind wedges with True Temper Dynamic Gold S400 shafts, Scotty Cameron Newport 2 GSS putter and Bridgestone Tour B XS golf balls was the fact that Tiger Woods won his 15^th career major golf championship at The Masters.

Also last month, in Bowlers Journal’s World Series of Bowling coverage, we discussed Jason Belmonte’s record-breaking 11^th major bowling championship. Comparing him to greats from other sports, we referenced Woods’s 14 majors as he chases Jack Nicklaus’s record 18.

Two days after the issue went to the printers, leaving no room for changes, Woods won his 15^th major. He hadn’t won a major in 11 years and opted to break that dubious streak a mere two days too late for us to update his stats.

Overall, this isn’t cataclysmic. Woods really had won 14 when the article about Belmonte was written and when it was being printed. Plus, the exact number didn’t matter in the context of the Belmonte story as much as the all-time greatness did. However, the timing of the whole incident was just inconvenient enough to be frustrating.

Doesn’t that tend to be the case in bowling?

In a sport that places such an immense value on timing to be successful, the irony of all surrounding timing being bad can at least be appreciated for its absurdity.

For instance, it’s impossible to write a story about Walter Ray Williams Jr. (there are three of them, maybe even four in this issue alone) with any confidence in his career stats being accurate at publication as he adds titles faster than a bowler can peel out of the parking lot after being eliminated from a regional.

On rare occasions, a lane breakdown will occur during practice, which seems like good timing because at least it wasn’t during competition. Nope—such a breakdown will always happen in the last minute of practice, thereby delaying the start of competition.

A string of lucky-break strikes builds a lead for a player who then leaves a pocket 7-10 on a shot for the win. A player making a run for the show hits a bad pair in the last game, costing him a chance at victory. A young fan eager to see his favorite player gets out of school just in time to find out his hero was on A squad. A bowler shows up to open bowling for practice just in time to see the last lane get filled. An effort to proactively move equipment from one city to the next ends in Albuquerque, which was neither one city nor the next.

Some of these examples are more catastrophic than others. Leaving a huge split on a potential winning shot is far more devastating than a typo that isn’t a typo. For the most part, these timing issues are funny enough to avoid being aggravating, even if they can be moderately annoying.

All that previous talk about whether Woods having 15 majors is moot, by the way. Shortly after this issue is sent to the printer, Woods will win the PGA Championship, thereby giving him 16 majors by the time this issue is stuffed into mailboxes.

Of course, planning for that to be the case also ensures it won’t be the case based on the same principles stated throughout. That’s the thing about bad bowling timing—as soon as you plan for it to be bad, it makes itself good.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, May, 2019

Those of us entrenched in the bowling industry easily can get jaded to the many quirks of bowling, which is unfortunate. When we’re world-weary, we treat such quirks as normal and can’t properly appreciate the player eccentricities and absurd details of the game itself that confound new audiences and should captivate us as well. This month, we’ll discuss a few of the most mind-boggling peculiarities in the great game of bowling.

Yielding to Dead Pairs

All major professional tours use the one-pair courtesy rule. It’s not your turn until someone on the pair to your left and then someone on the pair to your right bowls. The best feature of the system is it unequivocally determines whose turn it is. You’re up or you’re not.

However, when cuts are made and fields get smaller, occasionally the tournament director will take every other pair out of play. That is, 3-4 will be vacant, 5-6 will have bowling, 7-8 will be vacant, 9-10 will have bowling, etc. The idea is to speed up the pace of the game as now there is no requirement to yield to anyone. One pair left of all bowlers is vacant, as is one pair right. On your pair, it is always your turn or your opponent’s turn, regardless of what else is happening in the building.

This isn’t the way it works in real life. Bowlers instinctively change the yielding rule from one-pair courtesy to next-pair-that-has-bowling-on-it-even-if-it’s-at-a-venue-down-the-street courtesy.

The only difference between having dead pairs in between active pairs is there’s less activity peripherally. When there are bowlers on the adjacent pair, they’re milling about awaiting their turns, but the closest bowling is always one pair away. With dead pairs, the bowling is just as far away but there is less potentially distracting activity in the immediate vicinity.

Paradoxically, the fewer distractions left and right actually lead to greater potential for distractions in the bowlers’ minds, causing them to yield past the pairs on which nothing is happening, all the way to the next pair where something might be happening.

Bowlers, when yielding to dead pairs, are yielding to nothing.

Wild Prognostication

It’s the third frame of the second game of the first round of what will eventually be 60 games of qualifying. Someone walks up to someone else and utters, “What’s the cut going to be?”

Wild prognostication is one of the most fun aspects of bowling in all cases. That’s why we project cuts with 58 games to play, discuss the Player of the Year race two weeks into a 12-month season and anoint The Next One based on a shaky cell-phone video of a three-year-old getting the ball all the way to the arrows before it drops into the gutter.

It doesn’t take a soothsayer to know this type of discussion will last as long as bowling does. It has to—what else are we going to talk about during game two of qualifying?

PA Announcers Talking to the Players

At the beginning of a day of bowling, the PA announcer—usually also the tournament director—gets on the mic and welcomes fans to the event. Then, he directly addresses the players.

“Bowlers, when your lanes come up, you’re ready to start your practice.”

This is completely normal in our sport. But imagine this scenario: at a baseball game, the PA announcer comes on and says, “Players, when the team at bat makes three outs, it’s time for that team to take the field while the team in the field returns to the dugout for their time at bat.”

Put that way, it sounds utterly ludicrous, and yet it’s as normal as can be on the lanes.

We shouldn’t get rid of any of these things (except yielding to nothing). We should, however, welcome absurdity for absurdity sake, revel in it and appreciate the fact our game is entirely unique from all others.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, April, 2019

I watch a lot of bowling. Aside from the common-sense observations everyone sees, like an asymmetric ball with a pin-up layout and no weight hole coming off the back of the medium-length high-volume pattern with fried fronts differently from 8 than from 12 when the temperature was between 40 and 50 degrees last night with a 20% chance of rain and a forecasted thunderstorm 10 days from now 30 miles northwest of the venue, I also perceive less obvious developments. This month, we’ll explore three of them.

The most exciting score in bowling is 177.

There is very little suspense on every bowling shot, specifically at the professional level. That is, the expected outcomes of all shots are so much more likely than other outcomes, it’s hard to surprise anyone.

Stats show bowlers strike on their first shots most of the time. They make their single pins almost all the time and they rarely convert difficult splits. When fans see what they expect, there’s no surprise and thus, no overwhelming outburst of cheering.

Thus, the most exciting frame in bowling requires a bowler to roll a great shot that results in a 7-10 split, captivating fan interest even if dubiously. Next, the bowler must create more intrigue by picking up the 7-10 split, sending everyone into frenzied applause. Therefore, the most exciting score in bowling is 177 (10 7-10 conversions followed by a lily on the fill ball). One could also argue for a 179 with a stone 8 on the fill or possibly for a 178 with yet another 7-10 split, but in this scenario, a lily seems like the absolute best way to close that game.

Rolling 177s won’t help bowlers make any cuts, but if anyone puts together the game described above, it will be the most exciting and most famous game of bowling in history.

The least exciting score in bowling is 178.

The most boring result on a first shot is eight. No splits; just standard 6-10s. Also, an 8-count is innocuous, so you don’t risk adding any exhilaration by rolling so many eights in a row. Combine 10 straight 8-counts with 10 consecutive easy spares, then finish with another 6-10 leave on the fill, and you’re at 178. You just rolled the most boring game of all time, but at least you beat the guy who just rolled the most famous game of all time. He’ll be remembered, but you have the larger paycheck.

Practice is more entertaining than qualifying.

There are a lot of similarities between an event’s official practice session (held the day before competition begins) and its qualifying rounds. All the players are there, bowling is happening throughout the entire bowling center, shots are rolled and lessons are learned.

During practice, there’s no score, which should immediately be the biggest argument against this observation. However, with the music playing during practice, there’s an environment of fun for the fans. The players are more interactive with each other and with the fans, who are naturally encouraged to create a healthy murmur amongst themselves rather than be filled with the overwhelming dread that any movement whatsoever will kill the entire sport. The entire mood in the building, although practice is an important part of a player’s tournament, is much lighter.

The pace is quick. Nobody yields to anybody. Someone is always bowling and fans’ favorite players roll seemingly limitless shots. Everything is moving, everything is exciting, everything is fun.

In qualifying, there’s no music. There’s yielding in every direction. The mood is anxious. There are scores, which is nice from a sporting perspective, but fans are scared to look at the scoring monitors for fear of raising their gaze too rapidly while someone was going through his pre-shot routine six lanes away.

After two hours of practice, an enthralled spectator wanting more might say, “That’s it?” After two hours of qualifying, a bewildered spectator might say, “What game are they in? How many more?”

Three more, sir. Three more. And don’t forget to stick around for B squad.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, March, 2019

Bowling vernacular continues to astound in its breadth, absurd reach and ability to hijack phrases—even those that could formerly be used in other walks of life—as its own. This month, we explore a few phrases bowling has annexed, rendering them completely meaningless except in a bowling context.

Appropriating Bartenders

In bartending, a wet/dry shake is used to create a luscious egg-white froth on top of a beverage. The skilled barman will combine all ingredients except the egg white into a shaker, add ice, and shake vigorously to chill the drink. That’s the wet shake. Next, he’ll get rid of the ice, add the egg white and do a dry shake (meaning without ice) to allow the egg white to turn into a beautiful foam. Cocktail aficionados understand there are some schools of bartending that do the dry shake first, but either way, it’s being shaken twice; the wet/dry shake.

The terminology is rendered meaningless though, as all we can think of when anticipating our Pisco sours is the fact that a tiny error left or right and we’re facing a horrible mess in the pin deck. Wet/dry is gone from bartending—and vacuums, by the way—and is exclusive to bowling.

Usurping Aviation Enthusiasts

Pilots, aspiring pilots and plane watchers frequently use the word “approach” as if it still belongs to them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t. Making a final approach into Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport doesn’t bring to mind any meaning except that the pilot must be rolling the fill ball, making it his final approach of the day.

How air-traffic controllers and pilots are able to navigate the intricate air-travel system around the world is mind-boggling on its own, but think of how much added stress these people face with images of all those fill balls going down the runways.

Seizing From Other Sports

Remember when a line change in hockey meant something? The players on the ice made their way to the bench while being replaced by an equal number of players (one hopes) from the bench. Now, it must all be done by intuition, as stubborn coaches hanging on to shouting “line change” are only confusing their players, whose minds associate the phrase with making a big move on the lane to completely alter the shape of a bowler’s shot. The same confounding thoughts permeate hockey players’ minds if the coach has the gall to mention zones.

People used to talk about the pin position on a golf course. Whether it was in the front, middle or back of the green would alter a player’s approach (like pilots, golfers have also lost this word). Now, a pin position can only refer to the layout on a bowling ball or the spot of a pin on the deck. Does golf have any phrases left? Pin position, approach, par, hook, flag, ball—all conceded to bowling.

Invading Brooklyn

An entire borough of New York City lost its identity when bowling decided to name the wrong side of the pocket after the land colonized by the Dutch in 1646. Incidentally, the Dutch have also been tarnished by bowling and its decree that alternating strikes and spares is called a Dutch 200. What does bowling have against the Dutch?

Owning Qualifying

There are other sports with qualifying rounds. There are loans that require applicants to qualify. Sweepstakes winners have to meet qualifications to be eligible to claim their prizes. Thanks to bowling, “qualifying” is stricken with an inherent dread that makes people hope their loans are rejected and their sweepstakes entries remain uncalled.

Qualifying, from the inception to the end of time (and that’s just B squad), along with all these other terms, will forever be exclusive to bowling.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, February, 2019

January gave bowling fans more than anyone could reasonably request: four PBA Tour championships were won (five if you count both doubles partners, which I don’t), the telecasts on Fox and FS1 are getting unheard-of ratings and positive reviews, and of course the excitement of the silly season in which several players move from throwing the best equipment in the world to a new company with which they can throw the best equipment in the world.

Through all the excitement and qualifying, it’s hard to believe January actually happened, but it most certainly did.

So, with that all behind us, and already having received more than we could reasonably ask, we can focus on Big February, during which the PBA will give us four live telecasts, two of which are majors, with a chance to see someone win a million dollars if he can bowl a perfect game in the championship match.

These are the types of things we need to appreciate while they’re happening, as such wondrous times may never happen again. It’s hard to relish the moments, though, because something about bowling stops time while continuing to pass time. The moment is gone before we realize we’re in the moment, which is probably even harder for the bowlers working so hard to stay in the moment, trust the process and take it one shot at a time.

The shortest month of the year will feel even shorter the instant the first ball is rolled at the Tournament of Champions. Rather than measure the passage of time in minutes or hours, we begin measuring it in games bowled, made even more confusing by resetting the count at the beginning of each squad. By the end of the day, we’re flabbergasted; the day happened, yes, but we don’t remember any of it, all while remembering all of it. We know the leaderboard and where the bowlers were playing, but we have no idea if it’s Tuesday or Wednesday. In fact, it might be Thursday.

Soon enough, we’ve left Fairlawn and are still watching bowling, although now we’re in Columbus and the guy who won in Fairlawn isn’t doing so well. It’s weird because he was just dominating the entire field. What happened? It’s a week later, but only feels like two seconds. We’re aging rapidly without ever realizing it, expanding our brains with bowling stats but still failing to recognize the difference between morning and night because our minds can’t get away from wondering whether transition will hit B squad at the same time it hit A squad.

Time zones are irrelevant. Bowling renders them all the same. If traveling from the east to the west, we might get one morning in which it’s easier to wake up early, but the instant the first ball rolls cleanly through the heads, all time-related advantages are gone.

How does bowling have the power to make time pass quicker while also making it seem to pass slower? Why does a qualifying block appear as if it will never end, only to make us say, “That was fast” when the final shot of the round is rolled? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, what ball are you throwing? These are unanswerable, rhetorical questions that should never be asked.

Bowling has power over time. It paradoxically takes way too long to move way too quickly. We simply have to take a moment, which is either a half second or three eons or both, and appreciate it.

This installment of The One Board originally appeared in Bowlers Journal International, January, 2019

Bowling enters 2019 with more optimism than any time in recent memory. In The One Board’s third annual year-start countup, we anticipate 19 reasons—some obvious, some subtle, some obviously subtly obvious—2019 is going to be a tremendous year, principally due to bowling.

1. The PBA begins its run on Fox.
2. The PBA on Fox means the return of Rob Stone, which means the bowling community has an opportunity once again divide itself over whether or not four strikes in a row is called a hambone or a four-bagger. Amazingly, the bowling community refuses to argue about it and everyone agrees to simply enjoy the excitement of the hambones all year.
3. Players who have demanded a “real tour” for years will spend the first three months of 2019 complaining about being on the road so much…
4. …Except the guy who bowls 300 in the title match of one of the February events, wins $1,000,000, welches on all the chop deals and retires to Nice. Or Montana.
5. EJ Tackett wins two of the majors in February, guaranteeing Player of the Year honors with 10 months to play.
6. Roster turnover in the PBA League is larger than ever.
7. The PBA Playoffs prove to be the greatest thing to happen to bowling since 1958.
8. A new, demented phishing scam targets bowlers. An email coming from someone named “The Process” asks for bowling balls to be sent as deposits, which will then be returned 300-fold. Bowlers, incapable of not trusting The Process, oblige. The culprit is caught weeks later by a suspicious UPS driver who has never seen so many bowling balls delivered to a single house in such a short period of time, even more impressive because that driver used to work the Stu Williams route in Phoenix.
9. Jason Belmonte wins his 10^th major title, tying the all-time record and guaranteeing his fourth Player of the Year award.
10. For the 61^st consecutive year, an immeasurable number of people will be referred to as great guys.
11. FloSports creates a crossover promotion between FloBowling and FloTrack. Fans have to guess how many marathons can be completed before the end of A-squad qualifying. The winner of the contest is excused from watching B squad.
12. The elite-field PWBA events continue to be as compelling as an event with qualifying rounds can be. Last year’s top three in points—Shannon O’Keefe, Danielle McEwan and Stefanie Johnson—each win one of the first three events, guaranteeing themselves the Player of the Year award.
13. In an all-Liz final at the fourth event, Kuhlkin beats Johnson by one pin at the USBC Queens, guaranteeing herself the Player of the Year award. Johnson is okay, as she’s already guaranteed the award due to résumé.
14. Governments around the world change the length of a week to two days, which is an easy transition for bowling, where we’ve been saying “all week” in reference to two-day events for years.
15. For the first time in history, a bowler—let’s say Josh Blanchard—rolls 299 during qualifying and thanks the person with the video camera for capturing the excitement.
16. The PBA50’s Matrix of Fairness evolves yet again, this time awarding the title to the leader of qualifying, but still requiring bowlers to play cashers round, match play and the stepladder finals to determine how much money everyone gets. If the qualifying leader bails before any of that bonus bowling, he’s stripped of his title, which is then awarded to the winner of a special five-frame, three-person match between the leading casher, a randomly drawn bowler who missed the cut, and the first fan aged 60 or older to report to the front desk. If two fans reach the front desk at the same time, and pending age verification, they must compete in a one-game rolloff on a neutral pair they’ve both either watched or not watched all day.
17. Jakob Butturff guarantees himself Player of the Year by leading the U.S. Open field by nine thousand pins.
18. Need more games.
19. Andrew Anderson and Jordan Richard win PBA and PWBA Player of the Year, respectively, guaranteeing that guarantees mean nothing.

Happy 2019, bowling fans.